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CANDIED BACON RAINBOW CUPCAKES

by:Pox

2011/09/15

Today I woke up and it felt like something was missing in my life. A hefty savings account? Job security? Good health insurance? A loving mate? PLAUSIBLE...But still not...quite right..Then it finally hit me as I was thinking about how French chefs are probably all idiots... BACON CUPCAKES.

BACON CUPCAKES WITH RAINBOW COLORS.

And I'll show you how to make them, because YOU SUCK AND YOU NEED ME.

INGREDIENTS:

Batter:
1.5 cup flour
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup butter
3 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup maple syrup
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
2 teaspoon vanilla extract ( not pictured because I'm stoopeed)
food coloring (yellow, red, green, blue)

Candied Bacon:
1 package of bacon. NO I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG, JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE
2 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup maple syrup
1 teaspoon vinegar

Frosting:
rainbow sprinkles
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup maple syrup
2 cups powdered sugar
1 package (8oz) cream cheese

Whew, let's begin. First, you want to GET THAT BACON GOIN'. Get a square pan and put some aluminum foil on the bottom. Trust me, you don't want to skip that. Then put a grid on top. NOW YOU'RE READY TO LAY SOME BACON ON THERE.

To candy the bacon, mix 2 cups brown sugar, 1/2 cup maple syrup and 1 teaspoon vinegar into a bowl until you have a nice paste.

THEN DIP THAT BACON IN THERE SON!

HMMMM BACON SOUP!

Place your strips on the tray and put them in the oven at 350f. Every 5-10 minutes, take them out of the oven to re-glaze them with that sweet sugary syrup and then flip em'. Takes about 30-40 minutes for the strips to cook, depending on how thick they are. You'll want them to be MODERATELY CRISPY.

GIFT FROM THE GODS

Now separate the candied bacon package into 4 parts. It's important that you don't eat any of the strips or else it will throw your math off.

I did this purely to show you what to NOT do. This has nothing to do with candied bacon being RIDICULOUSLY TASTY.

And THIS is the reason why you want aluminum foil at the bottom of your pan:

I'd rather throw away irreplaceable minerals than clean THIS!

Ok time to set your bacon aside and get down to SERIOUS CUPCAKE BUSINESS. In a large bowl, mix 3/4 cup butter, 1 cup sugar, 3 large eggs and 2 teaspoons vanilla.

In another bowl, mix 1.5 cup flour, 2 teaspoons cinnamon, 1.5 teaspoons baking powder, 1 teaspoon nutmeg and 1/2 teaspoon salt.

Then pour 1/3 of the dry mix into the wet mix. Stir a little bit and add 1/8 cup maple syrup and 1/4 cup milk. They said I should use half and half but I don't know what the fuck that is and besides, who wants to get fat, right?

Right?

Then mix another 1/3 of the dry ingredients into your wet ingredients, add another 1/8 cup maple syrup and 1/4 cup milk. Mix it up and then add the remaining dry ingredients until you get a nice smooth batter.

Now chop up half the bacon into little bits and incorporate it into the mixture. Incorporate... haha BACON CORP WE MAKE BACON AND FUND REPUBLICAN CAMPAIGNS LOLOLPOLITICS

Some fine work there, boys.

Now sample the goods...

Needs more crushed hopes... guess I'm out of those for now. OH WELL..

Once you're done fooling around and eating raw cake batter, separate your mix into 5 bowls, or how ever many bowls as you want colors.

Then, using the magic of comestible dyes, color each bowl into a color of the rainbow! I got yellow, red, green, blue and purple.

Now take a brief moment to go post your recipe on some hippy websites where they whine about how everything causes cancer. Tell them your charred candied bacon is made even more delicious by the chemicals in the food coloring.

Ok now that you're done, get a cupcake mold that holds 12 big ones and place a cupcake paper thingy at the bottom of each. Again, better to throw natural ressources away than to risk cleaning this mold! At the bottom of each, drop about a teaspoon of the purple batter. Just divide whatever you have in 12. It's not complicated.

Then do the same for blue.

Green.

Yellow...

And top it off with red!

And in case you're wondering, no, those pictures weren't necessary and I don't think you're too stupid to figure it out. I just hate the planet and know that for every megabyte of data you have to download from the internet, one animal dies from losing its habitat due to coal mining / an hydroelectric damn being built.

Of course you can't scrape all that batter from the bowls... that's just impossible... YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW!

Hmmm I love cleaning.

Now take half of your remaining bacon ( that's 1/4 of the package for you math wizards at home) and chop it up into small pieces. Then sprinkle the top of the cupcakes with it.

Warning: this bacon will burn so if you don't like that, don't do this and instead put all that extra bacon into the batter before you pour it into molds.

Ok now take a break to go to the post office to pick up a mystery package on your bike!

Oh, look at that, my whey powder! How nice of them to leave it at the post office so I'd have to walk back 1.5 miles with a 25 pound package and my bike. It's definitely better than last time when all they did was deliver it right to my door. MAN I HATE THAT.

Cookies and cream? That's just awesome. Can't stop progress.

Ok back to cupcakes... Heat up your oven to 375f and put in your cupcakes! Should take about 35 minutes to bake. Btw, many recipes ask that you start heating your oven before you do anything. Don't be a wasteful idiot: just turn it on when you're ready to use it. It doesn't take 40 fucking minutes for an oven to reach cooking temperatures, so unless you're the Flash, you can risk waiting 5 minutes.

Anyway, while that's cooking, let's make some icing!

In a bowl, mix 2 cups powdered sugar, 1/4 cup butter, 1/4 cup maple syrup and 8oz cream cheese. Make sure you whisk it until it's real smooth. Heat it a little to help you out if you need to.

Now put that bad boy in the fridge while you wait for your cupcakes to be done.

By the way, clean your shit as you go. Don't wait for the food to get all crusted on the bottom of your plates and don't leave a giant-ass pile of dirty dishes waiting for you once you're done cooking. Keep a nice tub of warm soapy water in the sink as you're cooking so you can throw stuff in there when you're done with it.

I JUST MAKE YOUR LIFE SO MUCH BETTER BY EXISTING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Oh look at that, cupcakes are done! How do you know? Use a toothpick. Poke one all the way through the middle and if the toothpick comes out clean, it means it's done.

Oh, a little too BROWN for you? Racist.

Wait 2-3 minutes and take them out of the mold. Leave them to cool for 30-60 minutes so your frosting doesn't melt on them.

When the time is right, frost those bad boys right up. Hmmmmm

As usual, there's way too much...

*Sigh* OH WELL!

Now sprinkle them with happiness.

Use the remaining bacon to put on top so EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU'VE DONE HERE TODAY.

Put your batch in the fridge overnight so the frosting cools down some more.

And then eat one. Eat one like it was Hitler's foetus and only your eating of it could prevent the Holocaust.

And if you're wondering how many calories are in one of these... then... just...
Don't make this...

Just..stay away from these. Far away.

That was a fun day! They taste great. The bacon bits slip to the bottom and make a nice crunchy layer. But I think it NEEDS MORE BACON. Next time, I'll LEVEL UP THOSE CUPCAKES.

*** Ng user C01 made a batch of these of his very own to enjoy and HOPEFULLY NOT SHARE CAUSE THEY ARE TOO GOOD.

If you make any of these or any recipe on the site, feel free to send me a glorious picture of your creation so all can enjoy it!

USE THIS TO CONTACT ME! or just email at poxpower10@hotmail.com.

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