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Resolutions Part 4: 59 Seconds

by:Pox

2012/04/01

I've decided to do a 12 step program this year. Each month, make a new lifestyle change until it all adds up at the end of the year. The key to success is to start small and have a plan. Follow along with me and make your life better! Or at least, more interesting.

Resolution 1: Eat Healthier
Resolution 2: GO TO SLEEP!
Resolution 3: Count Money!
Resolution 4: 59 Seconds
Resolution 5: Follow Politics
Resolution 6: Do Fitocracy Quests
Resolution 7: Get Six Pack
Resolution 8: Shhhh It's a secret
Resolution 9: No More Binging
Resolution 10: Saving Money
Resolution 11: Promote my Dumbass Site!
Resolution 12: A New Food Every Day!

GOAL 4: 59 SECONDS

(Easy Enough...)
* Difficulty varies on your current lifestyle obviously...

What?

THIS:

Oh no, another bullshit self-help book! Boy how could you fall for this, pox? Isn't self-help for SQUARES, yo? Well hold on there, imaginary reader I don't have! Richard Wiseman is an actual psychologist and "59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot" is a collection of scientifically proven tips and tricks to make your life better in various ways.

If you're still wondering if this guy is awesome or not, look at this:

As it turns out, your brain is an idiot and while a great deal of effort has been spent proving it over and over again, there's also a good body of research that shows you how to exploit those flaws to actually IMPROVE your situation! Isn't that great? So I will try and do everything from the book from now until the end of the year, ( when possible)! In red is what I'll be doing. Keep reading after that for more detailed explanations or just buy the damn book

-Develop the Gratitude Attitude.
Tip #1, #2,#3
-Give more things
Tip #3,#5,#7
-Hang a mirror in your kitchen
-Get a plant for your office ( in this case, my room)
Tip #13
-Touch people lightly on the upper arm
Tip #15, #16,#17
- Write about your relationship ( I'll do it if that ever pans out...)
Tip #18, #19,#20. #21
- Deal with liars by having them email me? I dunno
Tip #26
- Praise children's efforts over their ability.
Tip #29
- Visualize yourself doing, not achieving ( create detailed plans)
Tip #9, #10,#11
- Consider your legacy ( Imagine what people would say at your funeral)

========================================================

BE HAPPIER

TRICK 1: GRATITUDE DIARY

When you feel like shit ( or whenever) start this diary up. Repeat it every other week or as needed.

1. Monday: Write down 3 things you are grateful to have / have had in your life.
2. Tuesday: Think back to a great moment in your life and how it made you feel. Write a short description of that event and your feelings at the time.
3. Wednesday: If you did everything right and everything went the way you want, what would your life be like? Write a short description of it and how happy you are in this life.
4. Thursday: Think of a person who is dear to you. If you had only one chance to tell them how much they mean to you and your life, what would you tell them? Write that down.
5. Friday: Write down 3 things that went great for you in the last 7 days and write why you think they turned out so well. Could be anything like getting a good haircut or becoming omnipotent through the use of dark magic.

TRICK 2: BUY EXPERIENCES, NOT GOODS

Instead of buying objects to put around your place, buy experiences that involve other people and then tell even more people about them. Think of this as buying memories. Also consider giving other people gifts. Just any random small gifts for no reason. Doesn't even have to cost money. In other words, if you had 50$ to spend, you shouldn't waste them on DVDs but instead treat your friends to a nice meal. If you have a big wall of DVDs at home, you're an idiot.

TRICK 3: SMILE MORE, SIT UP, ACT HAPPY

Smile for 15-30 second intervals randomly during the day. Use things like your phone ringing as random cues to do this.

Sit up straight for a few minutes a couple times a day.

Act more happy. What?
- Walk more relaxed, swinging your arms more. Make more expressive hand gesture when talking, nod your head more when others are speaking, wear more colorful clothing, use positively charged words ( love, like, fond, hamburgers), use fewer self-references ( I think this one is bullshit), have a larger variation in the pitch of your voice, speak slightly faster and have a significantly firmer handshake.

Wow I do NONE OF THIS STUFF... This sounds like hard work.

BE MORE LIKED

TRICK 4: HOW TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES IN INTERVIEWS

It won't come as a surprise that your likeability is by far the most important factor in you getting a job.

- Find something you truly like about the organization and let your opinion be known.
- Feel free to give a genuine compliment to your interviewer.
- Chat about non job-related topics that interest both you and your interviewer
- Show interest in the interviewer
- Be enthusiastic about the position and the organization
- Smile and maintain eye contact
- Mention your weaknesses at the start and keep something strong for the end, but remain modest
- If you make a ( seemingly) large mistake, don't over-apologize, just acknowledge it and move on as if nothing happened

TRICK 5: MORE TRICKS TO BE LIKED

1. People like you more when you get them to do you a small favor ( most of the time).
2. If you're in danger of seeming too perfect, make small mistakes around other people. (This is stupid)
3. If you gossip about others, chances are whatever traits you assign them will eventually be assigned to you by the people you gossip to.

TRICK 6: GETTING HELP IN THE STREETS

When too many people are around and some shit goes down, chances are no one will take responsibility. If you're ever in need of help in a crowd, you need to pick out specific people and ask them for help. Same goes if you're trying to get volunteers for a task. Don't just ask 20 people if one wants to do it, instead ask each person separately or just make one of them your bitch. Yep.

TRICK 7: DO SMALL FAVORS FOR STRANGERS

When you do favors for people, they are in your debt and give you stuff or like you more. This works best on people you don't know and if you expect a return soon.

TRICK 8: PUT A SMILING BABY PHOTO IN YOUR WALLET

Apparently this gives you the highest chance of someone returning it to you if you lose it. OK NO I'M NOT DOING THAT, THAT'S WEIRD.

ACHIEVE GOALS

TRICK 9: A PLAN TO ACHIEVING GOALS

Use this "Motivational Journal" to help you achieve random goals...

** Write this stuff down, don't answer only in your head **

1. What is your overall goal?

2. Step by step plan:
- STEP 1:
-My first sub-goal is to...
-I believe that I can achieve this goal because...
-To achieve this sub-goal I will...
-This will be achieved by the following date:
-My reward for achieving this will be:
Divide your main goal into no more than 5 steps like these

3. What are the benefits of achieving your overall goal?

List three benefits, focusing on how much better life will be for you and those around you.

4. Going Public

Tell people around you and close to you about your goal and sub-goals. KIND OF LIKE I DO. Totally works.

TRICK 10: USING DOUBLETHINK TO ACHIEVE GOALS

** Write this stuff down, don't answer only in your head **

-- What is your goal?

-- Potential Benefits and Setbacks.

QUESTION A
Write down one word that would reflect an important way in which your life would be better if you achieved your goal.
QUESTION B
Write down one word that would reflect an important barrier that would stand in the way of achieving your goal.
QUESTION C
Write down one word that would reflect another important way in which your life would be better if you achieved your goal.
QUESTION D
Write down one word that would reflect another important barrier that would stand in the way of achieving your goal..
-- Elaboration

Elaborate your answers to the previous 4 questions.

TRICK 11: DIETING AND DRINKING

I'll just try these for fun...

1- Eat slowly
2- Get tall, thin glasses for your liquid needs
3- Hide your food / booze. Don't keep it near you
4- Don't do anything distracting (tv, movies, etc.)while you eat, just eat then move on.( Fuck that)
5- Use smaller bowls and plates
6- Keep a food diary. Write down everything you're eating so it scares you straight.
7- Think about your daily failings about food/ gym and take a moment to regret them.
8- Stick a picture of your fat ass where you see it often or put more mirrors around your place.
9- Use more energy ( Take stairs, walk/ bike to store etc.)
10- Don't buy the "Diet Portions" of foods. Apparently you eat more of those. Why are you even buying chips and cookies anyway? QUIT IT.

MORE HERE

BE MORE CREATIVE

TRICK 12: HOW TO BE MORE CREATIVE

The next time you want a creative solution to a problem, do a little crossword puzzle / sudoku type game that fully occupies your mind. Then write down solutions to your problem as they come to you, see what you get.

TRICK 13: IMPROVE YOUR LIVING SPACE

-Place plants and flowers in your room.
-If possible, make it so your window has a view on nature stuff, not pavement and streets.
-If you can, do some work outside in a park.
-When decorating, avoid red and go for green.

TRICK 14: PRIMING

Things you can do to make your mind more primed to having creative thoughts.
- Spend a few moments describing a typical musician or artist. List their typical behaviors, lifestyles and appearance.
- Use the following designs anywhere you can ( wallpaper, frames, notebooks):

PRINTABLE SIZE

- When things get hard, cross your arms.
- When things get harder, lie down.
MORE HERE

ATTRACTION

TRICK 15: UPPERARM TOUCH

If you want people to like you more, give them a brief touch on the upperarm as you speak to them / ask them for something. RAD.

TRICK 16: SPEED DATING TIPS

- Think of lines that make the other person talk about themselves in creative, fun and unusual ways
- Mimic ( within reason) their hand movements, sitting position, speech patterns, facial expressions.
- Don't go after everyone, just focus on the few you really click with
- If you're a guy and too perfect... er wait this never happens, forget this.

TRICK 17: THE FIRST DATE

- Choose activities that get the heart racing.
- Take turns sharing personnal / intimate information ( within reason).
- Make other women laugh to show YOU'RE BOSS. Then have those women go away.
- If you're a fat chick, date a guy while he's hungry.
- Disagree with the other person about something then agree with them after tricking them into thinking they convinced you. MWAHAHA.
- Smile.
- Don't brag if you sleep around or are a virgin.

RELATIONSHIPS

TRICK 18: KNOW A BUNCH OF TRIVIA ABOUT YOUR PARTNER

Where they went to school, what pets they had as kids, where their dad buys his socks... the usual...

TRICK 19: DO ACTIVITIES TOGETHER TO ACHIEVE GOALS

The best activities to do as a couple are non-passive ones where you both work together to achieve some zany nonsense goal. So basically the opposite of going to movies and plays. Join a sculpture class or take groping lessons.

TRICK 20: WRITE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Day 1 = Spend 10 minutes writing about your deepest feelings about your current romantic relationships.
Day 2 = Think about someone you know who is in a relationship that is in some way inferior to your own. Write three important reasons why your relationship is better than theirs.
Day 3 = Write one important positive quality that your partner has, and explain why this quality means so much to you. Then write down one of their faults and list one way in which it could be considered redeeming or endearing.

TRICK 21: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH OBJECTS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOUR PARTNER

Oh yeah, WARNING: DON'T READ THE ABOVE IF YOU'RE ALONE.

STRESS

TRICK 21: DEALING WITH ANGER

When something made you angry:

- Spend a few moments thinking about the positive aspects of the event that you found hurtful.

TRICK 22: DEALING WITH STRESS

- Pray for other people ( or wish good things upon them I guess)
- Listen to classical music to recover from stressful situations
- Go outside for 30+ minutes when the weather is nice and sunny
- Use humor to cope with stress. Laugh at least 15 minutes a day. See, I told you Dumb and Dumber was awesome

TRICK 23: GET A DOG

Ok I'm not getting a dog. Anyway, if you do get one, get a Labrador, those are the best apparently. You can also get a robot dog. Huh.. Also watch more animals on tv. I swear I'm not making this up.

DECISION MAKING:

TRICK 24: BE WARY OF DEALS

Be wary of people giving you "free extra" shit when you buy their crap. Similarly, watch for those who start small and build up big or those who start way too big and go small. You can of course use those tricks yourself to get people to do things, like for instance: I am selling my LEGOs, if you buy them I will THROW IN A FREE BOX OF KLEENEX, BARELY USED. Wow.

I'd go for that.

TRICK 25: HOW TO MAKE DECISIONS WITHOUT REGRETS

-If you have to make a complex or hard decision, start solving a bunch of anagrams for a few minutes ( Like this for instance)
- Don't pass up on things. You're more likely to regret not doing something than doing something badly.
- If you regret something, see if you can fix it.
- Instead of dwelling on the "What if", write down 3 positive things about your current situation and 3 negative things that would have occurred if you had what you regret not having.
- Don't spend too much time keeping your options open / shopping around. Narrow your options and time dedicating to getting something and then go with it.

TRICK 26: SPOTTING LIES

- Look for people suddenly becoming more static and cutting down on gestures.
- Be on guard for a sudden decrease in details, increase in pauses and hesitation and an avoidance of words like "me", "mine" and "I" but an increase in "her" and "him".
- If someone becomes evasive, press for a straight answer
- Ask baseline questions before you ask for questions you suspect will be answered with a lie.
- If possible, ask people to email you when you suspect lies. Apparently people lie the least in emails and the most when on the phone.

PARENTING:

WARNING: KIDS SUCK, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

TRICK 27: NAMING

- If possible, make your kid have a name and surname that starts with a letter near the beginning of the alphabet.
- Choose a first name with positive connotations. ( Like Rockstar, Admiral or Puncho)
- Make the kid's initials be something positive like B.E.E.R. or S.E.X. and not something bad like R.E.P.U.B.L.I.C.A.N.

TRICK 28: PRAISE THEIR EFFORT

Instead of praising kids for doing well, praise them for working hard when they do well. Ask them details on how they prepared for things or how they overcame difficulties.

TRICK 29: SELF-DISCIPLINE

Here's some games you can use to trick your kids.

1. Marshmallow test. Sit your monster down at a table and offer him a treat. Then tell him he can wait 10 minutes with the snack in front of them and get a second one. If your kid is a shit, he won't wait 10 minutes for the double dose.

2.Heads and Toes. Just look that one up, who cares.

3. Order your kids around. Basically the games are about ordering your kid to do small acitivites and seeing how much they suck at listening to you.

TRICK 30: AVOID THREATS

Don't threaten your kid with horrible consequences for disobeying you. Instead just tell them to not do certain things and leave it at that. If they ask why, ask THEM for possible reasons.

PERSONALITY:

TRICK 31: GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE LIKE A NINJA

- Ask people about their pets. Apparently fish owners are the happiest, dog owners are the most fun, cat owners are dependable and reptile owners are the most independant. I don't know how to use any of this information. People's personalities also synch up with their pets over time, so if you're talking to someone who has an asshole dog, they're probably an asshole. Like 99% chance. Yeah clearly.

- People with a lot of stickers on their cars are aggressive drivers.

==============================================================

Wow that's a fuckton of stuff. Who knew you could pack so many things in a book?

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