MEET YOUR LORDS

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DARTH VADER

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR
BACKGROUND:
Created the entire Universe then impregnated random peasant woman on alien planet a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. This immaculate conception brought forth Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader's son ( sort of ) who later turned into the only thing a son of Darth Vader could ever turn into: himself. Blessed with remarkable piloting skills and attunement with "TheForce" he would live to end countless tyranic imperial officers through the magic of "choking the shit out of them". Sacrificed himself to absolve humanity of its sins by throwing the evil emperor down into a space well from space. POWERS/ROLE:All of them, though the "son" form could only use "The Force", i.e. mind control, choking etc. YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIES.

RAMMSTEIN

GODS OF MUSIC
BACKGROUND:Born long ago in the center of the Death Star, forged by ancient dwarves with the finest alloys of mystical metal, they've risen from the Death Star to rock major amounts of faces. Posing as German steel mill workers, aka the toughest sons of bitches ever, they alternate between giving concerts amidst torrents of flames and building more tanks in a secret military base in preparation of WW4 or 5 or whichever one we're at.
POWERS/ROLE: Whenever you pluck a guitar string, they hear you. They're the force in all of us that makes us yawn at Mozart and picture Opera Singers burning in a pot of boiling axel grease. Whenever you listen to something that kicks ass, rest assured that they used their divine influence to inspire that artist. Even the tiniest breath of inspiration from any of them can turn Paris Hilton into Alice Cooper.

BRUCE JACKSON

GODS OF ASS-KICKAGE
BACKGROUND: Fused by Lord Vader as punishment for exploding Chuck Norris' nuts, drop-kicking Vince Diesel in the Head and indian-burning Mr. T to death ( and he's a black dude, you try making their skin red). Now only one entity, they no longer threaten to blow up the universe by making their fists collide.
POWERS/ROLE: If you're a terrorist or a snake, you know what's coming when you die and go to the Death Star.

VENOM

GOD OF PRODUCTIVITY
BACKGROUND: While exploring space in his star destroyer, Lord Vader encountered a deranged and powerful alien symbiote. He merged it to one of his lieutenants but it drove him insane within minutes, killing him within the day. Lord Vader thought that was pretty awesome so be trapped the symbiote in a parralel dimension where it fuses with every psycho that dies, driving them even more insane.
POWERS/ROLE: It resides, alone, in Vader's dementia dimension, waiting for the day it can escape. All it can do there is haunt our dreams, sending us nightmarish images of midgets and fat women slathered with mayonaise. He makes He makes sure you don't miss work or school by waking you up with horrible nightmares whenever you're about to oversleep. But mostly he makes sure no one wants to go to sleep. Sleeping is a waste of time.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

GOD OF PEACE
BACKGROUND:A rebel droid sent from the future to kill Darth Vader. Failed his mission ( narrowly ) and was reprogrammed by our Lord to be his servant for all eternity.
POWERS/ROLE: He doesn't feel pain. He doesn't feel fear. You can't reason with him. You can't buy him off. And if you fuck off JUST A LITTLE, he'll TERMINATE YOU. So you better stay there and keep the peace lest you find your ass kicked.

XENA

GODDESS OF TOUGH LOVE
BACKGROUND:Well you've seen the show. If not, I hate you. After her death, she was reruited by Our Lord.You see, people were just having too many babies.
POWERS/ROLE: It was just too easy for everyone to get laid/raped so he had to recruit someone to put a stop to this shit. Every time a pervert and his meat missile get blinded by mace, you know who's fault it is. She's what inspires women to resist dubious males advances. Ever wondered why there were so many gays in the Greek empire when Xena was around?

MADDOX

GOD OF MANLINESS
BACKGROUND:The only apostle to have his own Holy Book:

Unlike most religious texts, this holy book is not a bizarre and mismatched collection of allegorical stories to help us achieve vague moral codes. This book is pure, straight, no bullshit facts stated in the plainest way possible: English. Though previous transcripts of it have been lost, it's been recently unearthed and reprinted but meets resistance from current sects like Jewism and Muslimage.

The book, in short, is 26 commandments to remember and live by to do the will of Darth Vader, and if you fail in any of these, once entering Heaven when you die, Maddox will personally kick you in the balls and sleep with your women ( or woman if you're still into that whole 20th century fad ).

Like any religion, it prescribes what kind of food to eat ( tabasco sauce, beef jerky) and what punishment to inflict upon women when they disobey the head of the family ( you ).

POWERS/ROLE: Maddox blesses the young males with balls and takes them away if you get cocky ( nut cancer? yes that's where it comes from ). With the gift of ample balls, a young man's blood will flow with the divine nectar of "testosterone" , his voice will become a low prideful rumble, curly black hair will sprout from all over his body and he will become mean and violent, just like Darth Vader.

STEPHEN COLBERT

GOD OF TRUTHINESS
BACKGROUND:Born of the purest light, brought to his parents by a great American eagle. Lies bounce off his skin, ricochet on his sharp teeth and land right back in your RETINAS, BURNED THERE FOREVER. He speaks only the truth, and you are only to speak the truth to him. He knows your soul and he will devour it if you're full of shit.
POWERS/ROLE: He's the divine spark of truth in all of us. Our yearning to be free of assholes who constantly bullshit themselves and others. He makes us naturaly wary of car dealers, religious preachers and informercials.

AUSTIN POWERS

GOD OF LOVE
BACKGROUND:Brittish man of mystery during the swinging 60's. Charmer of women, connoisseur of fine wines, daredevil and penis pump advocate. Represents all that is un-manly yet still somehow attracts women. Love, basically.
POWERS/ROLE:Helps every tub of lard humor his way into the pants of a girl. Inspires secluded wimps to come out and hit on babes despirte their obvious physical shortcomings ( aka neck beard, beaver teeth and/or/not to mention acne constellation ). ) If someone who looks like that can score with the best women on earth on sheer charm and wit, there's hope for all of us! Unless you're really really fat. Or the elephant man. I mean, come on he's a God but he can't do miracles.

GEORGE COSTANZA

GOD OF LIES
BACKGROUND:Sly and calculative New Yorker. Went bald at 17, picked on in high school. Befriended excentric comedian, shrill manswoman and infantile gangly moocher and led an exemplary life of getting by on the sheer strength of his lies. He's a model for all of us: you have no flaws! Your flaws are SOMEONE ELSE'S FLAW! Fat? No, YOU'RE PICKY! Jobless? NO, YOU'RE GREEDY! Came in late for work? I WAS HELPING THE POOR, YOU ASSHOLE.
POWERS/ROLE: The Yang to Colbert's ying. The peanut butter to his jelly. No, wait fuck that, who eats PB and J sandwiches? Are you stupid? Don't eat that you fools. Where was I.. Oh yeah the perfect mirror in all of our souls that allows every truth we tell to be supported and enhanced by a dozen lies. And remember: it's not a lie IF YOU BELIEVE IT TOO!

ASH

GOD OF DESTRUCTION
BACKGROUND:Confident slacker and womanized Ash was working the day shift at his local S-Mart when he took his hot girlfriend to a cabin in the woods where they discovered the Necronomicon, an unholy book with the power to raise the dead. So basically this poor guy has all the ills of the earth fall on him, chops off his own hand and chainsaws his way through a bunch of smart-ass zombies who wouldn't leave him alone. But that wasn't enough. The book opened a portal back through time where his car gets ruined, he gets enslaved, thrown into a pit and then sent back to battle the god-damned zombies. Which he utterly DESTROYS. Ash is the force in you that makes you say " ok now, IT'S ENOUGH, it's time to GO BATSHIT INSANE!".
POWERS/ROLE:Every time you throw your nintendo controller at a wall, every time you yell at your computer for freezing, every movie about a guy who just HAD TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT is inspired by Ash. Rambo? Falling Down? Office Space? Yes. He's in all of us, inciting us to fight back violently and to demolish all opposition. You better keep that in mind the next time you pick on someone or the next time you take advantage of your power to suck out a couple bucks out of an employee or a client. One day, they just might decide that IT'S ENOUGH and they'll come FOR YOU AND DESTROY YOU.

JOHN BROWER MINNOCH

GOD OF doing something insanely disgusting for a really long time without caring for the consequences.
BACKGROUND:Probably the lesser-known apostle. Spent a short time on Earth, from 1941 to 1983, to earn the title of the world's fattest and therefore most powerful man. At 6 foot 1 he managed to stretch his skin enough so 1400 pounds of thick insulating blubber could be stored in case the world ran out of food. Yes, that's right, 1400 pounds. Here's a handy chart that will illustrate just how impressive this man was:

POWERS/ROLE:Every time you think you can't fit any more food in your mouth, his spirit is there
to move your hand, open your mouth and chew your steak. Every time you know that ONE
MORE BEER will spell certain vomit, John is rooting for you.He's the force in all of our hearts that
makes us go that extra mile, even if it means certain humiliation/regret or death. IT'S STILL WORTH IT.

Mr. MIYAGI

GOD OF WISDOM
BACKGROUND:Born in Okinawa possibly in the 19th century.Served in WW2 where he learned the true value of Karate:useless. That's why he has dedicated his life to wisely inspire people's energy away from training and towards waxing, painting and sanding. "One who Karate has no deck. One who thinks he learns karate while sanding deck has deck. Decks are great."
POWERS/ROLE: Wisdom is to turn away from war and violence to spend as much time as possible polishing your possessions. Mr. Miyagi doesn't preach violence, but greed. Boundless greed. Replace all the violence in your mind with greed and you will achieve the path to inner enlightenment.

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