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Measuring Arnolds

by:Pox

2009/02/06

These results are based on the 2005 Belgian study that proved once and for all that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the greatest actor of all times. But I think the study did not go far enough and left us without a way to really gauge how other actors compare to Arnold.

So after many weeks of research, I have come up with an equation that can accurately determine just how awesome an actor is. They are called Arnold Units, or Schwarzes:
Total Schwarz =
((( Weight in lbs X Height in inches ) / Fatness ) x ( Action Movies Starred In + Difficulty of Speech )) / 1000

Fatness:Fatness is counted from 1 to 5 where 1 is ripped as hell and 5 is Oprah.

Action Movies:The total number of actions movies the actor has been in.

Difficulty of Speech: Difficulty of speech is the % of words you don't understand. We don't understand about 70% of the words Arnold speaks, so he has a Difficulty of Speech rating of 7, which is impressive.

So using this formula, we get:

Arnold
(((260 x 74 )) / 1 x ( 25 + 7)) / 1000 = 615 ( rounded down )

I will now try to determine the Schwarz of other badass actors:

* Note that I took their height/weight at their best.

Sylvester Stallone

(((202 x 69 )) / 1 x ( 30 + 5)) / 1000 =
487 schwarzes

Jean-Claude Van Damme

(((190 x 69 )) / 1 x ( 32 + 3)) / 1000 =
458 schwarzes

Kurt Russell

(((190 x 70 )) / 1 x ( 30 + 1)) / 1000 =
412 schwarzes

Chuck Norris

(((190 x 70 )) / 1 x ( 28 + 1)) / 1000 =
385 schwarzes

Steven Seagal

(((230 x 76 )) / 2 x ( 36 + 3)) / 1000 =
340 schwarzes

Bruce Willis

(((211 x 72 )) / 2 x ( 40 + 0)) / 1000 =
303 schwarzes

Vin Diesel

(((220 x 72 )) / 1 x ( 13 + 1)) / 1000 =
221 schwarzes

Carl Weathers

(((220 x 74 )) / 1 x ( 13 + 0)) / 1000 =
211 schwarzes

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

(((275 x 75 )) / 1 x ( 10 (wwf doesn't count, losers) + 0)) / 1000 =
206 schwarzes

Mr. T

(((235 x 70 )) / 2 x ( 3 + 8)) / 1000 =
90 schwarzes

Wow, how interesting! So I started wondering.. is there a man who out-Arnolds Arnold? Well sure enough, there is a perfect candidate!

Dolph Lundgren

(((261 x 75 )) / 1 x ( 34 + 6)) / 1000 =
790 schwarzes

That's right. Yvan Drago from Rocky 4 was 260 pounds at 6 foot 5. You can't understand a single word he says and he's played strictly in action movies for over 20 years. Take a stroll through his imdb page and you'll see movies with such badass names as "Direct Action", "The Shooter" and "Universal Soldier". He's done everything from punching the shit out of Carl Weathers to holding a magic space sword.

He kicks ass, basically.

GO PLAY THIS GAME WE MADE ABOUT HIM!

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