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Atheism Minus

by:Pox

2012/10/27

Recently, a new horrible evil movement has been brewing...

"Atheism Plus is a term used to designate spaces, persons, and groups dedicated to promoting social justice and countering misogyny, racism, homo/bi/transphobia, ableism and other such bigotry inside and outside of the atheist community."

I have decided that this was spearheaded by Pz Myers and Rebecca Watson

Here they are, so you can judge them superficially and hate them for no reason:

What's wrong with Atheism Plus? It's SUPER GAY is what. Give me a fucking break already trying to piggyback my awesome lack of giving two shitfucks about religions to push your agendas. What the hell is ableism?

"a form of discrimination or social prejudice against people with disabilities."

WHAT? No. FUCK NO! Here's what I say to the disabled:

If we listen to Rebecca Watson and PZ Myers, we're about 10 years away from becoming a nation of weak patchouli-smelling vegan hippies who can't do jack shit in their day on the off chance that it would offend a passing midget. Oh whoops sorry I meant small person. Er I mean average person. Er I mean superior human deserving of me spending 10 minutes trying to come up with a name for them. Here's one guy who did more for small people rights and recognition than anyone else:

Tyrion from Game of Thrones is awesome. He sleeps with prostitutes and makes fun of stupid people. Everyone likes him. But here's something he'll never do: become a professional Basketball player. I spent all week watching condescending videos about dwarfism. They're so insulting to everyone even when they're trying not to be. WOW NO, REALLY, THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO AND I SHOULD TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT? WOW NO FUCKING SHIT!

I'm sick of being treated like some low-life scum by people who start stupid PC nonsense like Atheism Plus. Oh if I am so insensitive as to ever use the word "bitch", "faggot" or "midget" then surely I know not the true value of human life. What's the difference between me and Stalin when I call something "retarded"? Just the mustache.

Just the mustache...

To combat this plague of PC crap, I have decided to form a new movement:

Atheism minus is a term used to designate persons who are for the taking away of rights of every inferior human. Humans are legally defined as people over the age of 18.

It has only a few simple rules to make society ACTUALLY better, instead of pretend better like switching words around does. I'm sure gays have it way easier now that the word "fag" has to be bleeped on television. FINALLY, TOTAL FREEDOM! If we've learned anything, it's that censorship makes the world better and that two wrongs make a right!

Anyway, rules, or EDICTS as they shall henceforth be named:

== FAT PEOPLE MUST GO TO FAT CAMP.

Once a year your body fat percentage will be tested. If it is found to be above 30%, you will have two weeks until your next test, which, if failed, will net you a ticket to fat camp. That is a camp where you are fed nothing but gruel and have to run on a hamster wheel all day until you get down to 25% body fat, at which point you are released back into society, having learned a valuable lesson: Being fat is evil.

== ONLY PEOPLE WITH AN IQ OF OVER 120 CAN VOTE

The test will be Raven's Progressive Matrices. Once every 5 years you will have to re-take the test to earn the right to vote.

== PEOPLE WITH AN IQ UNDER 100 WILL BE STERILIZED

On everyone's 18th birthday, they will take the test. Should they score under 100, they will instantly be sterilized. The test can be re-taken every 5 years for the sum of 500$, at which point you are allowed to pay to have the procedure reversed. Any doctor found to reverse this procedure without authorization will be jailed. Any person infinging upon this law will receive the death penatly, or worse, a sex change (men only).

== YOU ARE FREE TO ABORT A CHILD FOR UP TO 2 YEARS AFTER THEY ARE BORN

You can rent a car to see if it fits your lifestyle, why couldn't you do the same with kids? If for any reason you are unhapppy with your child, you can return them to Jesus. People found to oppose this edict will be rounded up and put into camps where they will have to take care of orphans for the rest of their lives. YOU LIKE KIDS DO YA? WELL HAVE ALL THE KIDS YOU WANT!!

== YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED A LEVEL OF TECHNOLOGY EQUAL TO THE SCIENCE YOU ACCEPT

Oh you don't think the earth is billions of years old? Well I'm sorry, dumbass, but the same science that tells us the earth is old also brings us countless other inventions from modern crops to nuclear energy. Guess you won't be needing any of THAT anymore. Enjoy your wild strains of bananas on your secluded island as you pet dire wolves, you fucking loon. Oh? Don't think we've ever been to the moon? Microwaves gives you cancer? Fluoride can be used to control minds? OFF TO THE ISLAND WITH YOU!

== NO WORD SHALL EVER BE BANNED AND NO REPERCUSSION SHALL EVER BEFALL SOMEONE FOR USING WORDS THAT OFFEND

Duh. If you're offended by things, that's YOUR problem. Deal with your issues and then come back to society, you child.

== ALL WOMEN AND MEN HAVE TO SHAVE THEIR ARMPITS.

Armpits smell. No one likes armpit hair. Do everyone a favor and shave your pits. Now no one gets to bitch because we ALL have to do it. Happy?

== MEN UNDER 5'5 AND WOMEN UNDER 5'0 CANNOT PROCREATE

I mean what's next? We're going to let them run for office? Note that this will not create an out of control height inflation over time as every man over 7'0 and every woman over 6'5 will also be discarded. FAIR.

== IF YOU BELIEVE STUPID SHIT, YOU CAN'T VOTE, RUN FOR OFFICE OF BE INVOLVED IN LEGAL DECISIONS OF ANY KIND We shall use these tests which I made to determine how naive you are ( for starters, tests will be updated over time):

SKEPQUIZ #1
Answer questions...

SKEPQUIZ #2
Answer more questions...

A low enough score on the tests will bar you from these functions for 10 years. The tests are mandatory and administered upon the 18th birthday. Of course, one could simply lie and answer correctly without truly believing these things, which is why the true purpose of the test would be hidden. For all they know this is market research for a new Avengers movie.

== RELIGION IS BANNED

If you are openly religious, you can't live in our country anymore. You will be overnighted to a desert island, or possibly some place worth like Tanzania or Sweden.

== HUMANS NOW HAVE A UNIFORM

Since discrimination is bad and differences inherently breed inequality, prejudice and exclusion we will now all wear the same clothes all the time. Here are the new Earth uniforms for men and women ( the haircut is also standard):

I can't foresee any problems with this.

== WE NOW ALL SPEAK ENGLISH ONLY

Again in an effort to understand each other and get along, languages other than English are banned and will no longer be taught or used anywhere. Failure to conform to this edict will result in death by Twilight. We won't make you watch the movies until you're bored to death, we'll just beat you over the head with the books until your suffer fatal brain damage.

== UGLY PEOPLE WILL ALSO BE STERILIZED

It's got to end some time.

== NO MORE HANDICAPPED PARKING

Who gets to decide who's handicapped anyway? Some bureaucrat? No, everyone is equal now! SO WALK.

There, that should bring forth a better society in no time at all!

So until next time, remember that people are judged on their individual merits and all these pathetic attempts to ignore reality to make everyone equal no matter how much or little they're worth have to end some day. I'm an Atheist, leave me alone with your militant crap, I already hate racists, biggots, sexists and people who ruin trilogy endings by casting midgets as teddy bears. I don't need any nazi with a hero complex to step in and ban me from calling someone with ear plugs the size of hockeys pucks a fag.

Reminds me that I saw a Simpsons episode today where they show the first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon ever made from 1928. In it, they have the lines "Itchy run afoul of an Irishman". It's funny as fuck now but Irish people used to be persecuted when they moved to the USA. In the world of PZ Myers, Rebecca Watson and the Atheists Minus, that cartoon is banned.

To this I say: Fuck that.

And also LOLMIDGETS WEEEEEEEEEEE

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