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Best Hamburger Recipe

by:Pox

2008/09/16

Ok I can't claim that this is THE BEST recipe EVER, because that would be arrogant so let's just say that they're the best burgers in the universe RIGHT NOW.

OK HERE GOES:

Ingredients for meat component:

- 1 pack of NOT TOO LEAN ground meat. You want a little artery-clogging action going here. If you have it, you're probably better off with some fancy meat like ground AAA Angus filet mignon or Kobe beef.
- 1 egg
- 1 quarter cup of oats
- 2 teaspoons tabasco sauce
- 2 teaspoons BBQ sauce
- 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
- salt
- pepper
- 1 teaspoon ( at least ) turmeric
- 1 teaspoon Indian seasonnings ( anything brown / red, no curry )

Here it is again, in easy-to-read artsy form:

I recommend you print out a couple copies and paste them over pages from bibles in any motels you visit from now on. I think God would agree that this is worth knowing a lot more than the story of Noah's Ark.

Cooking:

Same as before, mix it all up. Make sure the egg and oats are distributed evenly. Form into WIDE, THICK-ASS DISCS OF DEAD ANIMAL DELICIOUSNESS. About 3/4th of an inch is ideal before it starts getting really indecent.

Grill these bad boys over an open flame to make sure they're loaded with as many carcinogens as possible.Ideally you want to cook them until only the very middle is still slightly pink. You might catch something, but it will be worth it.

Ingredients for serving:

First off, the bread. You don't want any of that bird-feed like bread that's overflowing with nuts and seeds. This is a burger, not a grain silo. So get yourself plain, soft buns that can accomodate a large burger. If possible, you want them to be also pretty thin and wide so all the stuff doesn't spill out.

Then you need BACON. 3-4 strips should be fine. Select only the crispiest, most tendon-free bits, because nothing's more annoying than having to chew that bacon more than 3 times.

Lastly, CHEESE. You need aged cheddar for this, no two ways about it. Get yourself the oldest, driest, most expensive cheddar you can find.

How to serve:

- Take the bun out, open it and put generous slices of cheese on the TOP bun. Put that in the microwave and heat it up on medium until the cheese is melted and the bread is warm. If you blast it too hot, the bread will dry up and harden and you'll be left eating a shitty crunchy burger. Also might want to throw a sweet pickle or two in there to warm it up. Cold pickles in a burger piss me off.

- Sauces. They go on the BOTTOM BUN, so you bite into them, then your mouth reaches the burger and finishes off with the melted cheese. This is very important.
What sauces:
- First off, mix some mayonaise and some ketchup. I'd say about 2 teaspoons of each. Don't use ready-made burger sauce.
- Then add a teaspoon of dijon mustard.
- Now, tabasco. About one teaspoon of it. Yes, this burger is spicy.
- Lastly, BBQ sauce. I'd say no more than 2 teaspoons. It's damn delicious.

Now sit the patty right on top of those sauces. Time for the last step: veggies.

- Chop a little bit of onions and garlic, mix that up and place it in the melted cheese. If you want pickles or lettuce, now's the time. This is also the time to put the bacon, the best vegetable known to man. No tomatoes. I'd love to kick the ass of the guy who came up with the concept of putting tomatoes in burgers.

Behold, science explains:

Now close that mother up and squash it down so you can put it in your mouth. This is where having a really wide bun pays off because it keeps the sauces from spilling out.

Congratulations, you have made the best hamburger you'll ever eat.

What to serve it with:

A big glass of coke with some spiced rum or 2 stouts/porters/scotch ales of your choice. You need a lot of liquids to eat burgers.
You don't really need any side dishes but if you want, I guess chips or fries will do.

Now sit your ass down in front of the tv and start watching comedies. Good shows to watch while eating a hamburger are: The Office, My Name is Earl and Late Night with Conan O'Brian. Very burger-worthy. As for movies, I recommend any Vacation movies ( Chevy Chase), Wayne's World or Army of Darkness. Zombies add a unique twist to the experience of eating a burger.