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10 Things Canadians are the Best at

by:Pox

2011/12/17

I live in Canada, therefore Canada rules. And because it rules, great people are born there. Great people who go on to achieve great things. This is logical.

When you do great things, it's your responsibility to rub it into everyone's face. Since Canada doesn't have any arms, I've taken it upon myself to do all that rubbing.

So, in no particular order, here are 10 things we Canadians are better at than everyone else in the world.

1. SEXIEST GIRL NEXT DOOR: ELISHA CUTHBERT
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You may know her for her work in the movie The Girl Next Door in which she did great advances the field of boner induction. Armed with the power of perfect facial symmetry and short blond hair, she could convince any guy that he's got NO CHANCE IN HELL of ever seeing her naked, yet at the same time she seems like she could actually exist even in the absence of plastic surgery clinics. There was definitely a girl at your high school who looked sort of like Elisha Cuthbert. It's mandatory. Some guy went out with her, but he's probably a Terminator sent back through time to cock block everyone.

If you're Canadian, you might have seen her grow up as the host of Popular Mechanics for Kids. Is it wrong that it makes her even more hot in that Natalie Portman / Olsen Twins sort of way. She's practically the same age as me and I watched her get boobs! She's not some 6 foot tall super model with plastic headlights who just came out of nowhere to spread her chicken legs in Playboy or run in slow motion on some beach. She seems more real and yet is way too hot. WAY TOO HOT. Canada: 1 World: 0.

2. BEST COOKING SHOW EVER: EPIC MEAL TIME
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It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of these Montrealers. This is easily explained by my unnaturally high intelligence and the syrup-like density of my sperm. I hate foodies. Everyone hates foodies. A foodie is someone who operates under the delusion that there is an actual perfect way to prepare / harvest / sample / grow a certain food. They don't know shit of course, as they easily fail any blind taste test, but they will die before admitting that aging a wine for 20 years is basically the equivalent of paying rent for grape juice. Epic Meal Time is all about REAL flavor. Fat, sugar, salt and MEAT. Everyone knows that a donut tastes better than the most fancily prepared piece of pretentious Kobe filet mignon. Gold shavings add as much flavor to a meal as wearing a pirate hat adds musical complexity to a song. Cut the shit, just leave the bull. Then grind the bull into paste, wrap it in bacon and grill it. I WANT THAT.

3. BEST MUSIC VIDEO FEATURING MIDGETS: MEN WITHOUT HATS - SAFETY DANCE
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Midgets are great. Everyone knows that. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was a midget. Imagine how small THEIR midgets would be!

It would be sweet because tiny version of things bring glee to all humans. And tiny humans in jester outfits dancing with hot girl peasants in a medieval village to catchy synth music for no reason is why antimatter and matter failed to annihilate each other entirely to give birth to the Big Bang. What I'm saying is that this music video is the point of this universe and every day after it has come out is a part of the slow decline of our reality to total heat death.

Worth it.

4. BEST MUSICAL INSTRUMENT: HUGH LE CAINE AND THE SYNTHESIZER
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The best thing to ever happen to music is the electronic keyboard, which is based on his invention. The idea is simple: record sounds and have them play on a magical piano through the miracle of electrons! The result:

The synthesizer lets humans manipulate sound waves like Gods. No longer restricted to simple vibrating strings and membranes, music finally achieved its true potential. It's my sincere hope to one day replace every instrument in every song with electronic keyboards.

5. BEST USE OF PLASTIC: PAMELA ANDERSON'S CHEST
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I don't think there's a more famous pair of boobs on the face of the earth. Every microgram of silicon that went into creating this wonder of engineering was far better allocated than on processors for airplane's navigational computers and hospital cardiograms. I'm not even impressed by them for sexual reasons; it's just a triumph of efficiency and economy. If we could spend all our ressources this well there would be no world hunger and nanotechnology research would have been so well funded by now that this article would have been typed entirely by a cloud of mind-controlled nanites, leaving my hands free to flip through Playboy magazines from the 90s featuring the cast of Baywatch.

6. WORLD'S LARGEST MAPLE LEAF
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What now, world? What now? Joseph Donato is the 9 year-old treasure hunter featured in this picture. He was casually walking in the woods one day when a bear attacked him for refusing to hand out any spare change for a cream cheese and smoked salmon bagel. Joseph took out his nunchucks and cracked the bear's skull with just one mighty yet effortless strike. Then he found this stupid leaf or something. Whatever.

7. BEST COMEDIC SONGWRITER: JON LAJOIE
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Eat your heart out, Weird Al, this is how the NEW generation rolls. Yeah, you may have written Dare To Be Stupid, but all of UHF is less funny than 10 seconds of this:

8. MOST APPETIZING ORIGIN FOR A NATURAL FLAVOR: CASTOREUM
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From Wikipedia:
"Castoreum is the exudate from the castor sacs of the mature North American Beaver Castor canadensis and the European Beaver Castor fiber. Within the zoological realm, castoreum is the yellowish secretion of the castor sac in combination with the beaver's urine, used during scent marking of territory.[1]\...

In the United States, Castoreum has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a food additive,[12] often referenced simply as a "natural flavoring" in the product's list of ingredients. It is commonly used in both food and beverages, especially as vanilla and raspberry flavoring.[13]"

Vanilla AND Raspberry? Sign me up. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!!

9. BEST MOVIE WRITER: MIKE MYERS
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I believe a man should be remembered only for his greatest accomplishments and not his failures. After all, no one is getting on Hitler's case because he was a shitty artist. Ok that was a bit offensive; he wasn't that bad:

So that is why we should always remember Mike Myers for Austin Powers and Wayne's World and not The Love Guru or The Cat in the Hat.

10. BEST HOCKEY PLAYERS OF ALL TIME.
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