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652 441 CRACKED AUTHORS WHO PROJECT WAY TOO MUCH...

by:Pox

2012/11/20

I'm sure most people know Cracked.com by now, a giant humor website that basically popularized the idea of writing everything as a list containing an arbitrary number of items mostly based on how lazy the author was. This is the writing process for every article:

Author wakes up. Eats bowl of Cocoa Puffs while watching morning news. Thinks about something mildly interesting. Writes about it. Now has to write 4-5 more things that are sort of in the same ballpark to fill out a list.

It has its ups and down and some genuinely good articles ( all by Seanbaby obviously) but is it just me or are some of the authors just writing .... oddly... personal stuff that seems like projections of their own stupidity? Half of what they write seems to be an admission to something insane they do which they JUST found out was NOT ok to do... Or sometimes it's just ... terrible jokes about things 1% of the population relates to. HEY ANYONE ELSE HATE IT WHEN BURGER KING IS ALL OUT OF MAYONNAISE ON MONDAYS? MAN I HATE THAT IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! LAUGH! LAUGH AT MY OBSERVATION DAMN IT!!

Here's a prime recent example of this: (click on image to read article...if you have that kind of time to waste.. wait of course you do you're reading THIS!!)

None of this really makes any sense. I can't imagine anyone would relate to more than one or two of these, certainly not all of them. They don't have anything to do with actual wars. It just sounds like a list of people the author slept with ( or wish he had) which he then attempted to twist into U.S. history parallels....

But really my favourite clueless projector is John Cheese

From his personal life story, it sounds like he grew up poor, became a truck washer or some other poor person's job and then turned his life around when he quit smoking and drinking and married a woman he met on the internet. Somehow Cracked pays this guy enough money to afford him a middle-class lifestyle...

He's great at telling you life lessons you already knew, basically! I love him.

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In this one you learn that women hate it when you fart in their face as they give you blowjobs and they'd mostly rather not sleep with raging assholes. WOW THANKS! But the fun in these articles aren't the jokes or the things I "learn", the fun comes from me imagining John learning these lessons for himself. After all, he seems to think these aren't obvious enough to go unwritten. That means at some point he probably just shat his pants and tried to get it on with his girl, only to be told to take a shower. Amazingly this made new neurons connect in his brain and he's passing on the wisdom! But there's more!

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This one is another classic that starts out sounding like awesome lifehacking tips but ends up with me just imagining John fucking up fancy diner after fancy diner trying to impress girlfriends. WHY AM I BURNING THIS KRAFT DINNER EVERY TIME?

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A monument to a host of failed relationships or a series of subtle messages to his current spouse? Who can say? I especially love the last one about not depending on your girlfriend like she was your mom. Just imagine all the arguments he must have had about dirty underwear and uncleaned dishes before finally learning his lesson and sneaking this onto a list of face-shattering relationship scoops! Who knew a woman would be annoyed if you made her do a bunch of shit no one wants to do?
Exception: Asian Women. They love to do everything for you. Try it.

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I love this one a lot as it speaks volumes as to how weak some people are. The whole thing is a narcissistic ( AND THAT'S COMING FROM ME!) rant about how quitting smoking is impossibly hard but you, the mighty soon-to-be-ex smoker must shoulder even more responsibility by not being a dickhole to others. Yeah no shit, it's your crappy habit, YOU quit it and leave us alone. My dad smoked for decades and he quit cold turkey. Didn't see him bitching about how the world went crazy because his body was shutting down due to lack of nicotine.

I have no sympathy for people with bad habits, really. I have many bad habits and know they are difficult to quit, but that's because they're all really fun or easy to do. As long as we're pretending genetics have no effect on our decision-making then I will blame individuals for all their failings. HAH.

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This one is probably my favourite! I am poor but I do none of those things. Guess it's more about stupid people, right? Therein lies the crux of John, writing an entire saga to explain why he's not REALLY stupid but only misguided or ignorant.

I am not a smart guy really. I make tons of stupid mistakes but I expect no sympathy or understanding. Our collective reward for this is that we get to make fun of other people failing, which is basically our favourite thing to do ever. Why give that up? Pff.

Moving on...

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#6. Remakes That "Raped My Childhood"

Didn't you get the memo? Complaining is awesome. Everyone loves to complain. Old cartoons are horrible, we all know that. You can't make a good Transformers movie!

Oh wait...

I've rewatched all the old cartoons recently, they sucked balls, but this movie is still awesome. Go watch it, you'll see. All it is is 90 minutes of hair metal and robots shooting at each other and it's infinitely better than Michael Bay's turds. Can't we just admit that sometimes, we don't give a fuck about the story or characters?

SEE? COMPLAINING IS GREAT! Shut up, woman at Cracked. Getting pissed over unimportant things is what we do instead of caring about politics and social movements, don't you dare take it away from us. This author has over 18 000 posts on the Cracked message board so I have to imagine that there's SOME amount of projection going on here because no one writes 18 000 forum posts without complaining about at least 300 irrelevant pop culture related things.

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Can this be anything other than a list of things he did during College? Nobody cares.

There's 2 things I want to see on Cracked: Funny things or mindblowing things. This is mind-blowing:

And this is funny:

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Learning that I should wipe my ass or set some money aside from time to time DOES NOT FIT EITHER CATEGORY.

Also a bunch of people hate Cracked because they're basically a giant faceless corporation and not the quirky grassroots user-generated comedy site that they seem to be. They are owned by Demand Media. Just glance at their wiki for a taste of the HILARITY!

Demand Media

"The company employs an algorithm that identifies topics with high advertising potential, based on search engine query data and bids on advertising auctions."

LOLZ.

They business model is simple: Pay popular people peanuts to generate content for their website and then keep the large ad revenue profits for themselves. Cracked is the Wal-Mart of internet comedy except instead of selling you all kinds of shit they have reduced comedy to an unoriginal formula that idiot bloggers and copycat websites are emulating all over the place. Shit, even spammy ads are doing it now!

Or maybe Cracked got the idea from the spam, who knows?

They have the same business model as countless websites where users generate the content, really. 9gag is a big one right now. The webmaster must be swimming in money without having to do jack shit as users generate endless waves of free content. It's a great social experiment and it's fun but again, someone's getting rich off it and it's not you! But what's REALLY wrong is that it's not ME. I can't accept that. Boycott 9gag and Cracked and come to my page instead. Yes. I make everything myself, except the pictures I steal from Google. It's a good ole fashioned mom-and-pop website. Vegan. Organic. Yes.

I leave you with these two images. One of them is a man who thinks it's worth it to remind you to not burn your food and the other sleeps with a hot chick and makes rape jokes about Tootsie Roll comics. Up to you to choose who you want your comedy written by!