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Things I've Finally Figured Out

by:Pox

2009/03/20

HERE'S SOME MYSTERIES OF LIFE THAT I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT FOR YOU:

== WHY ARE CLOWNS SO CREEPY?

The makeup? No, if that were true, no one would have survived the 80's and Gene Simmons is pretty adorable. The pranks? People aren't afraid of pranksters, they want to punch the SHIT out of them. The costumes? No, costumes rule. Clowns are creepy because they always laugh. They're always happy. Nothing sends the "DANGER: THIS PERSON IS A FUCKING PSYCHO" signal more than constant happiness. Anyone's who's laughing more than 5 minutes per day has got to have something deeply fucked up about them and you don't want to hang around to find out what it is lest you wake up handcuffed naked to a table in a dark basement with human skin walls. When you see a clown, the goal of your existence becomes the avoidance of that clown.
And on a related note: this is also why we're afraid of Tony Robbins and Richard Simmons.

== SWEARING NEVER GETS OLD

Ever since swearing was invented in the late 50's, people have been doing it on a daily basis. It rules. Everyone loves it and it never gets old, like masturbation and ketchup-flavored chips. If you see anyone taking a stance against swearing, keep your distances because you know you're dealing with a Nazi bent on conquering the world. How fucked up do you have to be to want to control how others talk? Piss off you psychopaths. But it should also be noted that if you swear too much, it comes off as creepy, just like jerking off. In fact, doing any single thing all day long ( other than winning the lottery ) is frowned upon. Time and place, people.

== "ORIGINAL" CHIPS ARE GOING TO DIE OUT SOON

I have literally never seen a person under the age of 50 buy a bag of "Original" chips. Why? It's the same shit but with no flavor. Same fat, same salt and same price, but no soul. If you're going to ruin your health, why not enjoy yourself? Plus, how can "Original" be a flavor of anything that's not a brand name? Yeah I get Original Twinkies and Original Mr.Potatoe, but what flavor is "Original Carrots" and "Original Macaroni". Stupid. I hope every bag of this crap rots in hell along with plain hot dogs and cheese pizza.

== EVERYONE LOVES ANIME

Everyone. People hate anime for the same reason Bill Gates hates cream pies.

American's experience with Anime is usually limited to accidentally seeing 10 seconds of it on tv while looking for reruns of House and Lost. A cartoon? That's for babies! Man, great argument! I've been using that since I was about 5 years old too when I don't want to give reasons for why I don't do things.

And then they flock to shit like Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. Dear plebians, LOTR is basically an anime with real people. Congratulations. So is every SuperHero and Fantasy movie. Anime is the best of both the tv AND movie world. You get all the awesome action that only the highest of budgets could make happen, combined with the epic span of a Star Trek marathon. After you've watched the same character kick asses for 200 episodes, you don't care that the plot is stupid anymore.

And the correct way to watch anime is to download/ buy entire seasons at once. Don't watch one episode at a time until you're like 30 episodes into a series. You'll just ruin the experience.The Fantasy/ Sci-Fi / Epic Action genre just isn't suited too well to movies. That's for comedy. There's no duration that is too short for something funny.

And in conclusion: just imagine if Die Hard lasted 5 hours and featured Bruce Willis kicking a bad guy clean out of a window and into the next building. And it would have Richard Dean Anderson too.

== CGI PEOPLE CAN'T JUMP

I was watching Hancock the other day and was reminded of how shitty they make jumps/flight/getting kicked 40 feet into the air look in movies. It's horrible, it always looks like wire-guided falls or rag doll animations. It's always way too fast or way too slow. Which bring me back to: watch Anime, because it rules. They know how to show a guy getting tossed 300 feet into a concrete wall or the slicing of a house-crushing boulder clean in two with a knife. In movies, they do EVERYTHING to hide CGI action scenes. They use as many atmospheric effects as possible ( rain, fog, clouds ), shaky cameras, close-ups, really quick scene changes and crappy angles. It sucks so much ass. When they do something like that in an Anime, you can see all the scale of the action.

And in closing: