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CHICAGO FIELD MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

by:Pox

2013/09/21

Part of ye olde chicago trip.

The main exhibit was about the Lascaux cave paintings. You know, the ones with all those old shitty animal drawings? Hey I'm an artist, sorry, but you guys couldn't draw mammoths worth a damn.

Sadly we were not allowed to take pictures. They had gone through a painstaking process to recreate the caverns with the paintings on them to the nearest micron. I was just sitting there thinking about our shit-flinging ancestors, back from a hard day of chewing leftover rhino buttholes in the cold, just sitting down and starting to try his best to draw whatever it is he was most hungry for at the time.

Just thinking about how this meant nothing to him and here we are, 20 000 year later treating these doodles like priceless gold-plated Vermeers simply because of their anthropological relevance.

It's like seeing the very first Youtube comment where some jackass wrote "first" or owning the last copy of the Atari E.T. game.

Sweet Greek columns though. Rich people give lots of money to museums, which is a step up from them dumping it on pyramids. Pyramids are the biggest and most hilarious "Go Fuck Yourselves" rich people have ever done to the working class... Good thing they're tourist traps now, serves those asshole Pharaohs right as we stare at their mummy junk in our modern museums. HA.

Right in the lobby you can see the world's biggest and most complete T-Rex skeleton. These people know how to make a museum!

Now begins an endless serie of stuffed animal pictures. These are turkeys. We eat them. In 100 000 years, when they will all have gone extincg, some space baron will pay two Jupiters' weight in gold to acquire these ancient stuffed turkeys. But we just get to look at them and not care. Sweet.

I think they had every last bird from North America stuffed and mounted in one single room.

Seriously you are seeing about 1/20th of what they had on display and the tour guides were telling us they only exhibit about 1% of the total mountain of crap in the museum's collection.

Eagles yay.

This collection looks fairly old. Seeing that peacock, I imagine the old timey pith hat hunter trying to find the perfect one to give to the museum, just going around murdering dozens of birds until he's satisfied. This is what museums are really about: Bloodthirsty animal collectors.

Condor, nature's garbage can.

That ostrich was massive. Dinosaurs must have been really scary, imagine if it had angry clawed arms instead of a dumb blad head with a toothless beak...

As old as this museum is, they still couldn't get a real dodo. Further research reveals that all dodos died during the 1700th century, due to their stupidity and the hunger of sailors.

That huge buldge looks hard but I'm fairly sure it's hollow like sponge cake and that it would be awesome to squish that bird's head with my powerful hands.

Either the skinniest panda ever hunted for pleasure or the smartest way to hide a man's corpse.

I can do it too! I want to be in a museum when I die!

There's only one thing cuter than dead animals: Dead baby animals!

No museum is complete without a platypus. Their plan is to mount them to exctinction so people have to come if they want to see one.

Mother and baby, united forever in death.

Look at the size of that sperm whale's jaw! THEY'RE A MENACE I TELLS YA WE MUST HUNT THEM FOR THEIR VALUABLE AMBERGRIS.

Man these pictures are blurry. Stupid dark museums. Oh, don't want the light to slowly turn your collection of murders into dust do ya? What was the point if I can't even make fun of these things with sharp clear resolution?

Possibly the original Lucy bones? As if I had time to read this. Again, history is funny in that this completely random non-important monkey became a priceless artifact just by virtue of dying in the right mud puddle. Wish I could do that instead of having to invent things that people want to buy... Lame.

The mighty artistic skills of your bored ancestors.

This is the extinct giant sloth. It's huge. Look at how thick those leg bones are. I believe the more modern sloth have made a better choice by being smaller and therefore able to be lazy most of the day, requiring much less nutrition.

Prehistoric mammals. In the foreground, standing: The mighty cave bear. It was slightly larger! In the back you can see on the far right a mammoth skeleton and to its left, a mastodon. Mammoths were fricking huge...

Apparently our elephants are bigger. IN YOUR FACE!

Oh..really....

The best room of the museum ( and any museum ) is of course the dinosaur skeleton room. Here in the foreground, a parasaurolophus, which is a name I bet more people know than their city's mayor, because no one gives a shit about local politics but everyone owned a dinosaur book at some point.

Me standing in front of an edmontosaurus and its baby. Edmontosaurus were the cretaceous' turkey, falling prey to everything big with teeth. They most likely did taste like roast duck.

As you can plainly see from the skeleton, the above picture, which I assume was drawn by a child, is bullshit. But nice try, Timmy, you fibber, edmontosaurus was not Godzilla.

Triceratops, the COW of the cretaceous. Tender and juicy with a delectable gamey aftertaste. Why wouldn't you sink your banana-sized canines into one today?

Hello.

As is the law of nature, skeleton allosauruseseses eat skeleton hypacrosaurussese.

I HUNGER, says dinosaur.

I'd like to imagine that if these guys were alive today, they would make good pets for insane people.

Featured above: An insane person.

A sweet sauropod skeleton.

Little girl next to it, for scale.

The one on the right could be Elvis :D

Dat ass.

This is all very interesting I'm sure, but who has the time to read shit at museums? I just want to see a cheap 3d movie about sharks and then buy an overpriced geode at the gift shop.

Some raptors.

One of the most ancient dinosaurs, the Dimetrodon, was constantly plagued by douchy west coast kids trying to surf on his back.

And yet a more ancient dinosaur, potentially stupider than his descendants (somehow)

Stupider but happier, I like to think.

Too bad they stopped making this model though. He looks so aero.

Tiktaalik, one of the most perfect intermediate species between amphibians and fish. It was probably so named after some inuit site or whatever. People sure love ethnic sounding names. Why can't we give him a more modern appelation like Battletoadasaurus?

Me, riding an ancient giant millipede. GO FORTH MIGHTY STEED.

Further into the bowels of the museum is a painfully overstocked collection of ancient tribal tools no one gives a damn about. Seriously I can make a stone spoon myself, I'm not going to pay to watch this and imagine how lame life used to be without toilets.

Beautiful pretrified wood. Again, I must say:

Neat native masks of some sort. If life was that hard back then, how did they have time to make all of this garbage that we keep tripping over today?

Native American house. Probably smelled like farts 24/7, but it's better than freezing to death.

They had actually built a replica inside the museum. Those pelts are so comfortable. Again, murdering animals is all upside.

A bison. It was big.

I'm not sure what this was doing in the Native American section of the museum, but it's by far the best piece.

Statues commemorating the brave men who hunted down a man-eating lion.

This is the lion.

This is them owning the lion. And now we pause for a moment to realize how shitty Africa must be if they're proud of having killed a dumb wild animal after it had only killed several villagers.

This huge silverback used to be at the Chicago Zoo ( that's my story and I'm sticking to it). Everyone loved him before he died. Kind of sad I guess. Wish we could do this with beloved humans.

What museum would be complete without a section of pilfered Egyptian artifacts?

These people had way too much time and money.

A sarcophagus back then was the equivalent of today's real estate agent's Jaguar. HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT HOW SUCESSFUL I AM AT SELLING HOUSES.

I guess you could read all of this. Or. Kill yourself.

By far the best part: A trained baboon savagely ravaging a thief's junk.

One of the exhibits was all about shrinking you down so you could learn about soil. SOIL! INTERESTING SOIL!!! Behold this giant fake penny, which proves that the shrink ray worked. Notice the authentic "In Soil We Trust" imprint.

Turns out, soil is even more gross up close.

I've never noticed those little things in the dirt before, but I'll be sure to look next time I dig a corpse hole!

I actually have the bigger worm in that picture. EH HE EH

That's pretty gross.

Animatronic ants! Sweet. There was also a spider but ....no pictures...

The best part of the museum: THE MOLD-A-RAMA MACHINE!

You put in 3 dollar bills and it squeezes plastic into a mold shaped like a dinosaur!

There's four in total! COLLECT THEM ALL! WEEEE BEST MACHINE EVER.

Wild asses.

huhuh huhuhuuh

Imagine how hard and long-lasting my erections would be if I could only grind those horns into a paste and rub them on my nipples... must...poach...more....rhinos...

Cute giraffes.

Penguins. Notice the yellowing. In fact you may have noticed a yellowish hue to every stuffed creature here. Well that's because this collection is ...old...really old...

Look at all... those ... ribs.. we have to make pig snakes.... QUICK!

Another useless meatsack.

A large frog. It must have weighed as much as a bowling ball when it was alive.

Camel skeleton.

The view from the outside of the museum.

A bronze Brachiosaurus statue near the entrance. If I was rich, I'd have several of these on my yard. They'd have animatronic parts and roar at passing children.

And that is it for this awesome Chicago trip! I love Natural History museums. Mostly prehistoric skeletons. In fact that's pretty much all I give a damn about. Whales too. Whales are pretty cool when you remove their flesh and suspend them from steel cables.

I invite everyone to visit their local bone-containing museums as a show of respect to the many men and women nerds who spend their entire lives behind closed doors in labs doing this extremely painstaking and boring job:

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