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Fruit Pizzas: Pizzas for Hippies

by:Pox

2012/09/07

So I was ...somewhere with... someone the other day and eventually the subject of awesome food came up. Being a genius, the other person suggested that a fruit pizza would be awesome. An agreement was reached. Google was searched. As it turns out there is already an army of housewives and old ladies making all kinds of fruit pizzas for their fat children...

Yes, EAT my PRETTIES

A lot of these recipes ( if not all) have in common that they are made by people who want to support diabetes by any means necessary. Cookie dough crusts? Are you insane? You think putting a slice of peach on a cookie the size of a dinner plate makes it healthy?

I want a dessert that only SLOWLY drives my body to stop producing insulin. I decided to make my crust with actual pizza dough! Here are the ingredients:

First, make your dough. If you buy some pizza dough yeast, they tell you how to make it on the package so I'll spare you. I'll just say... don't forget to put the salt in there even if this is a dessert. Salt is always delicious.

Roll it and spread it on a greased round..baking...thing.

Now this step is optional... I decided to stuff the crusts with semi-sweet chocolate. You could use fruit. Or not eat the crusts if you're on a diet / hate the earth.

Close it up and put that in the oven at 400-425F for about 10 minutes. The crust is really the only thing that needs cooking for a fruit pizza.

Meanwhile, cut up your fruits. HMMM.

Once your crust is done, take it out of the oven and start garnishing that filthy dirty whore.

I had bought these cherries thinking they were actually in syrup, to make my sauce. Turns out it was more like cherry water. I suggest making your own fruit syrup by cutting up any type of red fruit and cooking them over medium heat until they turn into a jam. No need to add sugar.

Now arrange the fruits in a manner most pleasing to the human eye.

For this first one, I decided shredded coconut would make an excellent cheese substitute! Look at this, you'd swear it's cheddar.

Put it back in the oven on broil so get a nice browning going. Masterpiece? Of course.

So there's our first variation. Coconut! It tasted awesome. Warning: This will still make you fat. You can't eat one entire fruit pizza like it's diet Pepsi given solid form.

Next up: White Chocolate. How can this possibly go wrong?

It can't. Tastes awesome.

God damned uneven oven. Someone should clean that thing. Yes. Someone who will move into our apartment after we're gone.

Presentation shot, for value.

Next up: Whipped Cream!

Just add in some vanilla extract and calorie-free sweetener and this tastes like a fat man's sweat! HMMMM LOVE IT!

...

Looks like someone ate half of it before someone remembered to take a picture...

Maybe someone can use Photoshop. WHAT MASTERY!

It's like a peaceful winter landscape. If only real snow tasted this good, there would be no world hunger. I'm not high right now or anything.

What if I tried making this recipe actually close to healthy? 0% fat greek yogurt, you're up. Almost no calories, high protein and all the love of a cow.

Couldn't help but resist garnishing this with a few chocolate chips. I'm only human and this giant bag of Chipits won't finish itself. Better I eat on a fruit pizza than with a spoon like I usually..DEFINITELY..would never do...