Yeah I know, everyone's the big expert when it comes to games and movies and how to make them better. Wow, what could this
guy have to say that's worth anything? Just some stupid opinion on a game. Pfffff.
Well let me tell you something, junior.
I have wasted a LOT of time playing that game.
Yes.
SO LET'S GO
1. THE STAR POWER SUCKS
No one has bitched about this or what? The gimmick is really original too! Hey, shake your controller to make this
thing happen! Yes that reminds me of something else that was designed stupidly:
The brilliant thing about how you activate the Star Power is that it works 50% of the time! It's like a bonus
blackjack game built into the controller! What fun! Oh, here comes that long streak of notes, I have my 4x multiplier...ok
GO! ... GO!! GOOOOOOO!! Hahaha this is fun, it took 3 tries and now I missed notes in the song hahaha so silly!
But wait, that's not all: you can set it off on accident too! Want to hold on to your star power for that difficult part in the song
or that big score payoff? I DON'T THINK SO, CHUMP. If you hold your guitar a certain way, or if you start shaking it a little
too much as you start trying to hit the many ridiculous combos in GH3, it goes off on its own!
And I've had 3 different guitars, I don't have a faulty one.
HOW TO FIX IT:
A button easily reached while you strum with your thumb ( as you should). You get 100% control.
Disable the stupid tilt. In fact, throw that shit away. It will reduce the cost of manufacturing the guitar.
2. The keys are slippery
If you are a normal human, chances are that you sweat. Well have fun battling the keys in the war of friction that will ensue.
You'll marvel at how fast your fingers slide down the guitar heck according to no particular will of your muscles! You'll
be delighted when you try to double-strum on hard songs and the little plastic piece of shit slips out of your hands. And my
favorite part: you'll buff up your fingers as you press down as hard as you can on the neck to prevent it from slipping. Hours
of wrist-destroying fun!
HOW TO FIX IT:
Pow! No-slip stickers. The latest in bathtub technology.They already put worthless stickers in the box when they sell it to you. So how about you give me
something useful? Make some transparent no-slip stickers that fit the strum bar and the buttons.
You can slap these on and if you don't like it, take them off. There could
be different levels of grip to make sure you find something that doesn't sand your fingerprints off.
3. BOSS BATTLES UNBALANCED
In the game, you can do a guitar battle against computer characters. Ok let me ask you if this sounds fair to you:
they will never miss a single note, but if you make it to the end of the song, you lose, not them. Excuse me? Says who?
And I've beaten the last boss on expert many times, I still think it's stupid. If you have never played the game: you face
off against the computer in a guitar battle, when you miss enough times in a row, you lose. The only way to make the computer
lose is to accumulate powerups and attack him. You need at LEAST 2 in a row to beat him, usually 3-4. So this makes keeping them for
a future combo vital. But FORTUNATELY they made the Star Power the trigger! So as I've explained earlier, they will send off your attacks
randomly and waste them.WHAT COULD THEY HAVE BEEN THINKING? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
But that's not the worst part, the
powerups are obscenely unbalanced. Two in particular:
- Double Turns all the notes into double notes. Useless against anyone who doesn't suck UNTIL YOU GET TO
EXPERT where it becomes impossibly powerful. Not only do you need to miss less notes on expert, but there's tons of
fast combinations and hammer-ons that suddenly turn into clusterfucks of illegible double-notes that will murder you.
It turns this:
Into this:
Now imagine that entire thing scrolling down the screen in about 1.5 seconds.
More fun times?
Go to 3:30 to see how retarded it is.
- Lefty The green notes become orange, the red becomes blue and so on. Once someone gets this, you become
a deaf arthritic who's prescription contact lenses have just burst into flames for about 10 seconds, ample time for you to be
BONEREDERED.
It just feels completely unfair.
HOW TO FIX IT:
Remove the powerups when playing against the computer. You can make your stupid song as hard as you want, and you can still make
him hit every note and force the player to make HIM miss. But now we won't lose because the A.I. lucked out at the
right moment and got a Double or a Lefty. To add insult to injury: sometimes he doesn't even miss when you send
an attack his way. Yes that's really fair, assholes.
Why turn a game of pure skills like Guitar Hero into a luck party?
And as an aside: look at this crap. This is what they did to the hammer-ons when there's a powerup during battle mode:
Why did they fuck that up?? It's so obvious.
At any rate, it beats the team of mongoloids who worked on the guitar graphics for Rock Band:
4. The Whammy Bar is useless
This is how I hold my guitar controller ( not really but whatever you get the idea ):
I have two choices: I can fuck its shit up and tear it right off in a fit of rage, or I can turn it downwards, where
I'll never be able to use it. The only time where I have any possible reason to go for it is the Boss
Battles, because it's do or die.
The entire point of the thing is to max out your score by using it as quickly and as often as possible. It's basically
like an old NES game where they place powerups right in front of canons or above a pit with spikes. You can risk it, but
you'll die many many times. I can't count the number of times I missed because I was foolish enough to try using that misplaced
piece of crap.
But then one time I tried playing the game with the keyboard and since I was able to use any key for the whammy bar
, I could use it all the time! I discovered an amazing thing: it makes the game a lot more fun when you can use one
of its features!
Don't believe me? If you own that controller, put your thumb on the strum and try it for yourself. I'm a genius. I put
the FUN back in FUNCTIONALITY THAT ISN'T IMPAIRED BY POOR DESIGN.
5. No one cares about the band.
The last thing I have time to look at when I play that game is the band. BUT LUCKY ME:
Only 70% of the screen is wasted on shit that I couldn't possibly appreciate! But it must be a lot of fun for my friends
who don't get to play the game, at least they can look at the hot guitar player.
HOW TO FIX IT:
There, now you can see the score AND the star power with just one look and you can see further into the note shroud. Not only
that, you get a whole space on the right to put your band so it doesn't have a giant guitar neck running through it.
And as a last aside: look at the guitar neck. It's cluttered with all sorts of crap that distracts you from the notes. There's
some characters who have a really cluttered neck and others who have a really clean, dark one. That's strictly better.
Just make them all black, or give the option.
6. You never know why you miss.
This one is fun. I think the game was designed with this idea in mind: "No one actually cares about this game,
people will just try to beat it once without dying on medium and move on". You want to get sweet scores on expert or
even figure out why the hell you keep losing in some key parts? Though shit. Even with practice mode, I guarantee
that you'll be going "what the fuck?" 50% of the time when you miss. It's like watching David Blaine and Chris Angel play
a card game.
HOW TO FIX IT:
Replay function. Also wouldn't hurt to have a camera pointed at my fingers and synched up with the screen. I KNOW
YOU'RE CHEATING, GUITAR HERO. ONE OF THESE DAYS....I'LL CATCH YOU. I WILL!
Well I hope you've enjoyed me complaining.
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INKTOBER: One inked drawing a day for october! Will post when done.
