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Halloween Blows

by:Pox

2008/10/31

Halloween is stupid. And before you agree with me, think about this: what are some of the lowest, most pathetic activities on earth?

- Anime cosplayers
- Furries
- Clowns
- People who dress up like wizards to play Dungeons and Dragons in the woods.

Note: you may dress like a knight any time if you intend to joust for people's entertainment.

But one day per year, suddenly, it's cool? We're encouraged to partake in something that 99,99% of people would qualify as the "epitome of losing at life"?

The entire point of Halloween wasn't the costumes. Those were just an excuse. The point was TO EAT CANDY.You can remove all the decorations, all the costumes, the songs, the stupid movie specials -- ditch all that crap and just drop a giant bag of candy in front of kids once per year and they won't know the difference.

So I say: fuck it, merge Halloween with Christmas.

I shall call it Christmalloween

What's going to be different?

During Christmalloween, you get candy with every gift. And not chocolates or candy canes. If you offer your wife a diamond necklace, it better have a bite-size Snickers, Pop Rocks and Skittles.

Changes in the allowed Christmas movies list: Only these movies will be allowed on tv:

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Beetlejuice- It's festive
Die Hard
A Christmas Carol- Has Ghosts
Jingle All the Way- Very scary
Jack Frost ( the horror one)
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter -It's his birthday after all...
Here Cumz Santa -After the kids leave....

A list of winners.

The 1983 movie "A Christmas Story" is ESPECIALLY banned.

Trick-or-Treating is abolished It's dangerous: many houses and pumpkins are vandalized. So my new idea: make the kids run around the house until they pass out in the cold. It'll be much easier to make them shut up until midnight. Unless they have frostbite, then you'll never heard the end of it. Stupid kids, it's always something with them..

Gifts come in pumpkins I'm tired of seeing hundreds of pumpkins go to waste every year. So that way you can just buy a pumpkin sized appropriately for your gift, hollow it out, put the gift in and fill in all empty spaces with candy. Then put the lid back on and boom, instant 100% biological gift box.

YES

List of allowed Christmalloween food

Any candy/chips/chocolate ( mandatory )
Fruit cake has now only one fruit: candy
The turkey has to be stuffed with pumpkin, or you can stuff a pumpkin with turkey.
Only drinks allowed at the table are pop and egg nog with orange food colring.
Cranberries become skittles or smarties.
All sugar cookies with a christmas theme must feature blood.

Everyone dresses up as Santa Claus Enough of this time and money wasted on costumes. There will be a government-issued one size fits all Santa uniform for everyone.

Santa now looks like this: