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Hate is the new Love

by:Funk

2008/12/10

So the other day, I was watching a young vulnerable couple tenderly kissing one another, and the thought occured to me: 'Wow, where's a serial killer when you need one?'

You see, I'm a much maligned minority these days. I'm a hater.

Our society is filled with 'lovers,' callous whores who go heels up for the for the first available indiscriminate act of coitus, attempting to snuggle their way into a pink, fuzzy bliss. However, I've noticed these people actually tend to be MORE vicious than the hard nosed stoics they ignore. Look at the divorce rates and the bitter civil and criminal battles most relationships eventually end up in. This whole 'love' thing clearly isn't what it's being sold as, and the information generaion is finally starting to see through it.

So if 'love' has gone cliche, what's our other alternative? Well, being the self described king of all haters, my answer is simple: HATE!!

That's right, good old fashioned HATE. You see, hate can actually be the basis of a functional lifestyle much MORE than love, because unlike love, which is always conditional, it is MUCH easier to just generically hate all life, and furthermore, it's not even difficult to make this congruent with your current lifestyle.

Lets take Joe Average Dude (J. A. to his buddies), who loves all life. J.A. has a girlfriend, a house, a car, a puppy, and a kid. J.A.'s life is based on love. He loves his girl, his car, his house, etc. J.A. has a girlfriend, because he loves her, a car because he loves driving, a house because he loves his life and wants to live it in a safe place, a puppy because he loves warm fuzzy things, and a kid because he loves his family, and wants to have one of his own. Now, if you were to try to take these things from him, OUT OF LOVE, he would... well, beat your ass/press charges... you know, defend himself. He's got a lifestyle he loves, and he'll fight to defend it.

Now, let's look at the other side, the side of Mr. Hate, who hates all life. Mr. Hate has all the same things J.A. has: girlfriend, a house, a car, a puppy, and a kid, but for an entirely different reason, and that reason is HATE. Good, clean, old fashioned hate. Mr. Hate has a girlfriend, not because he loves her, but because he hates all other guys, and doesn't want THEM to have her. Mr. Hate has a house, because four good solid walls between him and the rest of the idiots on this planet sounds like a pretty good idea. Mr. Hate has a car, because it gives him something to run animals over with, and hopefully, one day he'll be able to cause a fatal car wreck. Mr. Hate has a puppy, because... well, puppies eat flesh, and hating all life as Mr. Hate does, a flesh eating animal is his best friend. Finally Mr. Hate has a kid, because he knows if he raises his child just right, maybe his kid could be the one to finally get genocide right. Try to take Mr. Hate's shit, and you'll be lucky not to catch a bullet in your ass.

Now, let's say something bad happens to our examples, Joe Average Dude and Mr. Hate. Let's say their girlfriends leave them. Now, J.A. is sad, and there's not really much he can do about it. Mr. Hate loses his girlfriend too, but Mr. Hate THROWS A PARTY. Why? BECAUSE MR. HATE HATED THAT BITCH, AND IS GLAD SHE'S GONE!!! WOOHOO FOR MR. HATE!!

So, far, we're hate: 1, love: 0.

Now, let's say something GOOD happens to J.A. and Mr. Hate. Let's say they win the lottery. J.A. wins the lottery, and out of love for various charities, family, whatever money grubbers involved, he finds himself torn between places to put all the money. J.A. loves himself, of course, but not more than he loves those around them, because logically, they outnumber him, and he's a good little utilitarian moralist. So J.A. gets a million dollars, and ends up pulling a Notorious B.I.G. 'Mo' money mo' problems' scenario.

Mr. Hate gets a million dollars in the lotto. Guess what he does? THROWS A PARTY!!! FOR HIMSELF!! WOOHOO!! YAY MR. HATE!!! IT'S YO MURRAFUNKIN BERFDAY!!! Any left over money... he keeps. Because, you know, FUCK'em. Mr. Hate doesn't care who wants his money, because they sure as hell aren't getting any, the bastards.

Hate: 2
Love: 0

So in times of prosperity, Hate wins. In times of loss... Hate wins. But what about the inevitable? I mean, can't J.A. at least say he lived a better life than Mr. Hate? There has to be some benefits to love! Or are there....

So J.A. dies. Everybody cries, because he was so loving, etc, etc. Sad day at the funeral home, 'only the good die young' blah blah frickin' blah.

Love:0

Then Mr. Hate dies. WOOHOO!!! PARTY!!! WE ALL HATED THAT BASTARD!!! LET's all split up his money and spend it on booze and whores!!!

Hate: 3

Final score. Hate: 3, Love: 0, the big fat goose egg.

So next time someone calls you a hater, or you just feel hateful, or even if you made the mistake of being a lover and now regret it, wear your hate with pride, because every time you hate, you make the world a slightly better place, no matter what else happens.

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