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THE ONLY THING WORTH DOING IN VEGAS

by:Pox

2013/03/14

Before Man vs Food, before Epic Meal Time and before this new obsession with cupcakes and bacon stood a lone hero, deep in the heart of the US of A, who understood that inside each and every one of us was a 560 pound manwalrus just begging to be fed a tub of goose lard washed down with pure corn syrup.

What's on the menu?

And who's serving it to you?

"Customers over 350 lb (160 kg) in weight eat for free if they weigh in with a doctor or nurse before each burger."

I can't imagine a better idea for a restaurant.

"On February 11, 2012, a customer suffered what was reported to be an apparent heart attack while eating a "Triple Bypass Burger" at the grill. Restaurant owner Jon Basso called 911 and the customer was taken to the hospital. Another patron, Blair River, age 29 was known as the Grill's "Gentle Giant" and described as an unofficial spokesman and regular patron.He died of flu-related pneumonia in March 2011. In February 2013, a second unofficial spokesman and daily patron, 52-year-old John Alleman, died of an apparent heart attack while waiting at a bus stop in front of the Las Vegas restaurant. Other similar incidents include on April 21, 2012, when a woman fell unconscious while eating a Double Bypass Burger, drinking alcohol and smoking."

So awesome, TWO of their spokespeople died from eating their delicious free pig lard burgers. What I love about that place is the sheer honesty of it. The media constantly shits on the owner:

How amazing that these idiots would call him an hypocrite. What the fuck is he hypocritical about? I've never met a more honest man. He openly admits that he's benefitting from these fat dudes dying from eating his food. BECAUSE HE IS. Meanwhile the media just sits there, amazed, because they are so used to dealing only with liars all day long. They don't understand what's happening, it's the equivalent of a Republican gay-basher openly saying he's against gay marriage because he thinks about rubbing up against black boners all day long and the temptation would be too big if it was legal to kiss his man-bride in public while signing a marriage contract.

I'm sick of foodies and health food nuts. I'm sick of lazy yuppies and people who don't know anything about nutrition, training or food commenting on how gross it is to offer nonstop lard fries refills. We're sick of assholes like Mayor Bloomberg trying to ban 16oz sodas. We all understand that butter and sugar WILL NEVER BE ILLEGAL and that if you're a fat fuck with no self-control, you will eat Crisco with a spoon. Vegans, gluten-free, paleo, Atkins.. There's a way to get fat on any diet. I've checked. Vegan gluten-free desserts? Yeah they're healthy, if you consider mixing a spoon of peanut butter with a handful of chocolate chips a reasonable calorie-wise food choice.

People grind their health down little by little every single day all the while attacking places like McDonald's or looking down on Epic Meal Time. Doesn't matter that 5-star restaurants are serving creme brulees, foie gras and seafood drenched in butter sauce. No that's fine, the real crime here is how CHEAP McDonald's is!

Oh? What's that? Just meat infused with so much fat that it could legally be called an ooze? Well that's not unhealthy like a triple bypass burger, because it's not free if you're fat enough!

A show entirely dedicated to filling your mouth crevice with little globs of confectioner's sugar and butter? Nothing wrong with that! Let's all bash on the Heart Attack Grill, which is basically the same thing as a Hooters where the deep-fried, double-breaded chicken wings served with mayonaise are healthy because everyone's distracted by the boobs.

I consider the Heart Attack Grill the gold standard for natural selection. You can't make it any more obvious that you'd have to be a fucking idiot to eat there on a regular basis. This is on their website:

"On April 13th 2012 Guinness World Records presented the Heart Attack Grill with an official certificate proclaiming... "Most calorific burger Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas includes in its menu the 1.444kg (3lb 2.94oz) Quadruple Bypass Burger packing 9,982 calories. It's 6.91 calories per gram (195.95 calories per ounce) makes it the world's most calorific burger as verified by Guinness World Records"

The burger is listed at around 8000-10 000 calories. By comparison, a Tour de France racer will burn maybe 7000 calories in a day during the biggest stages. A pound of fat is 3500 calories. That means this burger is almost 3 pounds of fat in calories. A normal sedentary adult will burn 2000-2500 calories per day. So you're getting 4 day's worth of calories

The restaurant should be filled only with guys like this:

But instead you see a bunch of beer-gutted 50-somethings enjoying a 3000 calorie burger like their colon could handle it. I love it. I get tingles when I watch that, just the same as when I see someone smoking. You know that person's not just smoking the one time for fun, they do it every single day even though the package tells them explicitly they're GOING TO DIE OF A COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE AND AVOIDABLE DISEASE if they keep doing it.

The Heart Attack Grill is the restaurant equivalent of the cancer warnings on those cigarette cartons and instead of praising the owner for it, they bash him like he's the one who invented saturated fats and tobacco plantations.

Hero. He's not like those bullshit sugar cereal commercials who claim their products are "part of a complete breakfast"

No, FUCK YOU, Toucan Sam, Fruit Loops aren't a part of a complete ANYTHING. They're crap. Toast is crap too. People are happy to bash obscene eateries, all the while they have their kids choke down Pop Tarts and Kraft Dinner or they take them to TGI Friday's to enjoy a nourishing deep fried meal with all the mayonaise and ketchup their filthy little hearts desire.

You'll live a far happier life if you have clean eating habits 7 days a week and enjoy the occasional Quadruple Bypass burger than if you scoff at decadent foods while slowly killing your health each day by drinking beer, eating your nutella toasts and eating out at Chili's. Here's what you're eating when you go to ANY restaurant:

If I ever go back to Vegas, I'm going to the Heart Attack Grill and I'm not leaving until I have a Quadruple Bypass burger firmly secured between my mouth and my colon.

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