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My Interview with religious people.

by:Pox

2008/10/21

I had the chance to sit down with eminent creationist Kent Hovind ( from his prison cell ), staunch anti-evolutionist Ben Stein and Scientology figurehead Tom Cruise ( currently cartwheeling madly around the room ).

Since I have important video games to play, let's get this over with:

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Me: Hi. So first question: how hard is it being the scum of the earth?

Kent: I give myself 30 lashes every night to quiet the crying voices of guilt in my head.
Ben: I used to write speeches for Nixon, so it's not too hard for me to shit all over everyone.

Me: Who taught you to be such lying slimes?

Ben: I had a crappy show on Comedy Central where I had to pretend to be interested in what the contestants said about themselves. That paved the way for masterful fabrications such as "Hitler was inspired by Darwin".
Me: Impressive!
Kent: I'm mostly just a dumbass. I don't even realize it when I say completely retarded shit that might have been mistaken as lies if they had come from someone who didn't get their education at a religious diploma mill.
Tom: wwwweeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: Kent, does anyone actually buy your shitty tapes about a giant ice dome causing the great flood or explaining how Noah got all the dinosaurs on the ark?

Kent:You'd be astonished to find that religious people are extremely gullible. I could tell them just about anything, as long as I end my sentence with an happy thought to reinforce their faith.
Ben: Might I add that I also like to prey on people's trust?
Me: You may not.

Me: So, Ben, this horrible movie you made, "Expelled", how's that going?

Ben: Not too well. It turns out our target audience thinks movie theaters are vile houses of debauchery and I'm pretty sure a good chunk of them believe the projectors can trap their soul.
Me: What the hell were you thinking, seriously?
Ben: Well it turns out that lawyers don't really know shit about biology.
Me: Weren't you in the movie "The Mask"? How do you fuck that momentum up so bad? That had Jim Carrey AND Cameron Diaz.
Ben: Well as I've already mentionned, my main interest in life is making money and helping other greedy douchebags fatten their stock portolio, so I don't know anything about movies or fact-checking. My job is more to spread lies and propaganda. I was a White House speech writer after all.
Me:Is it true that you won an award for "Worst Narrator Performance of the Decade" for your oral holocaust in "Expelled"?
Ben: I'm not aware of any such...
Me: BAM!

Me: You lose. As a consolation prize, please accept this stretching of my foot into your testicular sachel.
Tom: Big boo boo *grins maniacally for no apparent reason*

Me: So, Kent. You really take the cake, don't you? You think the earth is 6000 years old and that people lived with dinosaurs? What traumatized you as a child?

Kent: I was in high school, being smug and ignoring what my intellectual superiors were saying, as per usual, when 4 teachers ambushed me in a corner, slid a garbage bag over my head and knocked a few IQ points off my noggin' by battering me with biology textbooks. Since then I've made it a point to replace objectivity and facts with charisma and inspirational catchphrases.
Me: That sounds rather light for what you do, I would have expected a couple rape stories in there...
Kent: I stopped counting before I hit puberty so I didn't think it worthy of mention.

Me: So impress me. What's your most insane idea?

Kent: Ok check this out, did you know that radiometric dating works this way: they use the rocks to date the fossils and then they use the fossils to date the rocks! It's all made up!
Me: Dear lord that is indeed completely stupid and ignorant. So you've been saying this for how long now? Even though you've been corrected hundreds of times on this point?

Kent: I've been peddling my nonsense for at least 15 years! I use a special debating technique called "ignoring everything the other guy says and only reading from my cue cards and my slides".
Me: And you've actually managed to make money with this bullshit?
Kent: Millions.
Me: And now you're in prison for tax fraud?
Kent: Yes, I guess there is a God after all! Woops, I didn't count on that.
Tom: KA-PEW KA-PEW!
Me: Right, well put.

Can you spot the turd?

Me: So what would you say is the main reason to become a young-earth creationist?

Kent: You don't need to learn any facts or science at all!
Me: Not that you'd be smart enough to learn that anyway.*joyous laughter*
Kent: Amen to that!
Tom: I HAVE POWERS! SUPER POWERS!

Me: I hate you guys so much. You're officially horrible people.

Kent: Thank you. Well, back to my cell, where my charismatic smiles only invite rapings instead of book sales.
Ben: My...*gasps for air, denied by me putting my hand over his mouth* ...nuts crushed...
Tom: Please end my suffering, the voices in my head.... splitting ... mind...

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If you don't know who Kent Hovind is,here's an example of him in a debate . Of course no one would watch this lenghty boring thing so just watch the short version of why he's now in jail for being, among other things, a dumbass:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S07N-AsnFY.

If you were offended in any way, shape or form by this "article" then know that you are part of a large sub-group of humanity commonly refered to as "reality challenged".

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