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Things That Are Always Lies

by:Pox

2012/09/10

I never ask you for anything!
Probably did it just a few hours before

Just 5 more minutes
Nothing ever takes just 5 more minutes

I'll do it tomorrow
That thing will never get done

You guys are the best crowd!
Highly unlikely that out of all the crowds everywhere, those people happen to form the best one.

No, I don't want dessert
Oh PLEASE you fat shit, you WANT IT. You want it BAD.

You're the best.
Get over yourself, no one who would be the best would hang out with you.

One last thing...
If you hear this, you can just run away.

What a cute baby!
Babies are not cute, they are freaky.

This tastes like shit
You don't know what shit tastes like, shut up

I'm so sorry!
No you're not, you don't give a fuck. You're probably happy that you get to feel sad, like being sorry is something that's happening to YOU and people should feel bad for YOU that you're sorry.

No it's okay, I don't care!
You're not fooling anyone.

I don't eat sweets
Just shut up if you don't want any of these Smarties, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Give me a sec.
Just ask for an hour, we know that's what it'll take.

You're special.
Not really.

What are you doing? "Nothing"
No one's ever doing nothing. If someone answers that they are doing / did nothing for any period of time, press them on it until they admit to doing something really weird and creepy, which they probably were. Yes. Probably.

I've tried everything, I just can't X
Ever considered plastic surgery? Crime? Violence? There's always a way.

I'm fine.
Nobody's fine. We're all gonna die, do you even realize that?

Let's keep in touch!
This means "Leave Me Alone, Freak"

Oh that doesn't matter to me at all!
It's just a coincidence that you go for that thing every time.

I try to be honest
I don't even know what that means but I know it's a lie.

XYZ Would be lucky to have you.
If XYZ actually wanted you, XYZ would have accepted / hired / slept with you already.

This is a limited time offer only!
Well it's true because the universe will end, but it's a lie because you're too stupid to know that.

Hardcore tentacle rape porn???
We know man. We know.

I've just been so busy!
But you found a way to watch every episode of Breaking Bad in a week...

I'm a very spiritual person!
No matter what this means, it's a lie anyway.

I don't watch sports...
If fishing, hunting and bowling are sports, then so is sex and you watch a lot of that.

I really want to be friends!
Oh you.

Good Luck!
The most polite way to tell someone to go die.

Ok let's stop this now before it gets depressing!

Instead look at these two calzones me and my friend made one time. They are stuffed with all kinds of baby animals! Lamb, veal, eggs, cocktal weiners... hmmm Weiners.