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LIES PEOPLE TELL THEMSELVES

by:Pox

2013/06/29

Why not? I'm bored and I feel like bitching in the general direction of humanity. What's wrong with you, humanity? Huh? Jeez.

Here's a bunch of things people say about and/or to themselves that are bullshit.

1. I LIKE CHALLENGES

Really? What kind of challenges? I get to say I like challenges because I HAVE CHALLENGES ON MY WEBSITE. What did you do? Ran a 5k? How is that a challenge if failing was basically not even an option? How many people have set out to run a 5k and failed?

THE NEW RULE --- You can't call anything a challenge unless you beat at least 99.9% of people your age / gender worldwide. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. You want to get to say something is hard? You want to say you're good at it? Well you have to beat at least 999 out of every 1000 people who'd challenge you at that thing.

2. I LIKE EVERY KIND OF MUSIC

That's what people with a playlist consisting of 20 000 rap songs but 2 metal songs say to themselves. I AM SO DIVERSE AND WILD I WILL LISTEN TO ANYTHING! Shut your filthy mouth fool.

THE NEW RULE --- You can't say you like every kind of music unless you own at least 1000 songs covering 20 genres, at least 5 different decades, 200 artists and 5 languages. THAT'S RIGHT. Then you get to say you like every kind of music.

3. I LIKE ADVENTURE

Who even goes on adventures anymore? You're not Indiana Jones. Taking a vacation to Peru isn't an adventure. Getting lost at 2am in New York isn't an adventure. Bungee jumping isn't an adventure.

THE NEW RULE --- Nothing where you don't have an at least 1% chance of death is an adventure.

4. I LIKE SARCASM AND DARK HUMOR

Oh you like sarcasm do you? How original. Did you like that? Probably not. You numbskull. No one likes sarcasm. It's super annoying, except when I do it. You don't like dark humor. Adventure Time is not dark humor.

THE NEW RULE --- Dark humor has to offend and/or scare at least 95% of people on earth.

5. I AM REALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT --------

Oh that's really cool! You own a Darth Vader t-shirt. Wow. You must really be passionate about Star Wars. What's that? You donated blood one time? You truly are PASSIONATE -- THIS IS YOUR PASSION -- about saving people's lives.

THE NEW RULE --- Unless you don't spend either 25% of your time or your money doing a thing, IT'S NOT YOUR PASSION. You don't care enough.

6. I USED TO BE A SKEPTIC

No one who actually understands what a skeptic is ever stops being one.

THE NEW RULE --- Skepticism is a way of thinking. It's like the scientific method. If you ever stopped using it it's not because someone convinced you otherwise, it's because you got brain damage.