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MAKING MAH BEER

by:Pox

2013/02/03

So my awesome sister got me a beer making kit for Christmas this year...

Order one here!

If you think it's a bad deal to spend 40$ for a beer kit, 20$ for bottles and then a month making your gallon of beer, THEN YOU DON'T KNOW A GOOD DEAL WHEN YOU SEE ONE! Why buy a steak when you can raise your own cow in your house and then murder it with an ice pick? Nothing tastes as good as what you raised and murdered yourself. In this case, I will raise a yeast colony and murder it with my mouth.

What you need to get started. NOTE: YOU NEED TO BUY THE BIGGEST FUCKING STRAINER OF ALL TIME FOR THIS

The first thing is to sanitize everything. Man this sucks, I'm used to cooking in dirty horrible things. Why is beer yeast so weak that it needs protection for bacteria? My body can repel all attacks, why can't my beers? WHATEVER.

Heating up water. They included a thermometer with the kit! It was my dream to own one.

When the water's hot enough, drop the grains in! They say it's like making oatmeal.

You have to stir it every 10 minutes after that as well as keeping its temperature in a certain range. GOOD LUCK. Haha.

I hate this, I can't watch any TV while I watch over my beer oatmeal...

Lalala measuring, stirring... zzzz

IT'S BEEN ONLY TWO MINUTES?? GOD DAMN IT WHEN CAN I DRINK THIS??

This doesn't smell like beer at all...

ARGH WHEN WILL THIS END? I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING SCIENCE! THIS IS CONTRARY TO EVERYTHING BEER HAS TAUGHT ME SO FAR!

Ok done. After 60 minutes you're ready for step 2. Put the grain oatmeal in a bowl...

Then strain it...

Oh boy... I can't wait to drink this...

Heat up more water and pour it over the grain again, until you have like.. infinite gallons.

Do this over the sink because... WITNESS THIS MESS... This stuff is STICKY since it's covered in sugars.

Once you've extracted all the delicious beer sugar, heat up your liquid to a boil...

Once it's boiling, start a timer. ONE MORE FUCKING HOUR OF BEER COOKING... First thing: Add hops.

Ok now it smells like beer. Delicious boiling hot beer.

As it cooks, add more hops... And stir. Ok this is simple enough for my dumbassery!

This sure smells gross. I better eat it.

AMAZING! UNLIKE 100% OF EVERY FOOD EVER, IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS!

Once your hour is up, it's time to cool your beer mixture. More waiting! SIGN ME UP.

Almost... done... Just empty the contents into your big ole beer jug. One gallons of brown juice! Yum.

Don't forget to strain your liquid... Because I don't think you want this swamp shit in the brew. Well what do I know, I'm not a beer viking. Yet.

We all know what this looks like.

The start of something glorious, or the start of me getting really sick?

Once your jug is full, empty the little packet of yeast in it.

Then shake! SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.

Time to set this bad boy down for 2-3 days in a dark space while it does.. something chemistry-ish.

Day 1: I moved the jug into my room because the kitchen was too cold. I was afraid my little yeasty friends had died, but lo and behold they're alive and burping all up in mah jug. Look at all this horrible stuff that's happening in there.

Day 2: Look at that.. some white disgusting foam has formed on top. If you look closely at the jug, you can see tons of tiny little bubbles forming. HOLY SHIT, SCIENCE!

PHASE 2: THE BOTTLING (2 WEEKS LATER)

So a bunch of stuff DOESN'T come with the kit. Namely, the bottling stuff. I went to a microbrew shop and got myself this nifty bottle caper, bottle caps and extra sanitizer. Now I have enough stuff to make 100 beers... Oh god, knowing myself I'll actually go through this circus 9 more times...

The other thing you don't get: Bottles. Non twist-offs are prefered. Just drink their delicious contents, wash them in soap and them wash them again in sanitizer solution.

Taking off the label is also probably a good idea...

Leave them to dry upside down while you prepare the other stuff.

Get your jug. IT'S TIME TO DRAIN THAT BITCH.

Sanitize a big pot then dissolve 3 cups of honey with 1/2 cup of water in it. That's where you put your beer from the pot!

You're supposed to use this whole dumbass tube suction thing to drain your jug. It doesn't work well AT ALL and it's not because I have a mild case of retardation, OK? I say: FUCK YOU, tube. Youtube. Haha. I WANT TO DRINK THIS BEER DAMN IT WHEN AM I GONNA BE DONE??

That's about all I managed to drain... I may have just emptied this into my pot. My beer will be cloudier, big deal. There was like 2 whole beers at the bottom of that jug, I've come this far, I am NOT leaving 2 precious beers to be drained in my sink.

Again using the stupid tube bullshit, fill the bottles. I just used a funnel instead of their nonsense. MUCH SIMPLER. If you sanitize it, I can't see why there would be a problem, just might not work if you're making like 20 gallons of beer at once. Anyway, once full, just put a cap on and seal it with the caper contraption.

OH MY PRECIOUS BABIES. 1 gallon = 10 beers. That means your first batch of beer will cost you like 8$ a beer plus the time you take to make it. HMM. That seems to defeat the point entirely but who am I to say?

Then clean this nonsense up. It still smells like delicious IPA beer and not like rotten sewers, so I imagine nothing went wrong during the 2 weeks I left this under my kitchen sink. SHOULD BE DELICIOUS, RIGHT?

Sadly, you must wait two more weeks to find out....

PHASE 3: THE DRINKING (2 WEEKS LATER...again)

Finally TIS DONETH.
p.s. Nice shirt.
p.p.s I know.

It's so impossibly carbonated, as soon as I opened the bottle it started spraying everywhere. I guess that's a sign that something has happened in the last 2 weeks!

Well this definitely is a beer. My friends agreed. If you're a fan of bitter beer, holy shit, this is the bitterest beer I ever drank. Be prepared for that if you ever order this kit online...

All in all, a pretty fun thing to do. Hey, only costs 8$ per beer too! I have to make more now so I don't feel like it cost me so damn much...

Give it a try.

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