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The Mighty Meat Cake

by:Pox

2012/05/20

Because I'm a man, sometimes I have great ideas and a craving for flesh. And sometimes I feel FESTIVE. Sometimes, I want a cake and today I'm going to have a FLESH CAKE.

I was looking for inspiration online and sure enough pretty much everyone already had the same idea I had: make the layers out of meatloaf. But they use.... .... MASHED POTATOES as frosting..

Like this one...

Looks great except it's FILLED WITH LIES.

I'm not doing that. NO SIR. Try to guess where this horrible recipe is going:

I suggest you use ... half the quantities seen here.

So first off, we need to prepare our cake layers. This one will have 3 kinds: Beef, beef-porc-veal and SAUSAGE. Get yourself a big-ass onion ( like a pound ) and chop it up into tiny pieces:

Now a lot of recipes say to just put them raw into the mix. I'm not taking chances, I've had raw-ish onions in my cooked food before, it's anusirrific. Just sweat those little pieces for a while on medium-high heat.

Now add 1/3 of your onions, 3 eggs and 1/3 of the bread crumbs to your first meat batch. I have over 2 pounds of ground beef, porc and veal here. This is WAY TOO MUCH. Don't do this. This is retarded.

There's only one way to mix loaf: hands.

Now grease a cake mold and pour that first mixture right in there. I used this masher thing to make it fit into place. God this is thick...

Then pour some liberal amount of BBQ sauce on there. GLAZE. Hmmm.

Put that into the oven at 350f ....until it's done... Maybe 1 hour per 2 pounds? Who knows.The important thing is to taste the middle to see if it's cooked, because you really want to eat some raw ground meat if possible. That's got almost as many vitamins as potential tape worms!

Mine took 90 minutes.

Ok starting meat batch 2: Sausage. I'm using breakfast sausage here. Just get the meat out of the casing, like so:

Then put that in your meat mixing bowl. Hmmm glorious casings.

While you're making these, save some of the merguez for regular cooking. You'll see what we'll do with these LATER.

Besides that...

Alright second meat batch ready for man handling!

This is what one looks like when you take it out:

Smells awesome. Now let it rest for 15 minutes while you sing is a lullaby.

Cut it in half if you've done it as thick as I did. This is kind of tricky.

Spread some more BBQ SAUCE on there.

Set it aside to rest for now. You'll need to do this with all 3 layers. YES IT TAKES A LONG TIME. NO IT'S NOT WO... YES IT IS WORTH IT...

Meanwhile, time to CANDY SOME BACON.

Lay the strips down on a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil. Trust me, you don't want to clean this up when it's done cooking, just put it on the paper and throw it away.

Put some brown sugar on those bad boys before condemning them to a 425f oven for 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes have gone by, get the strips out, drain the GIGANTIC AMOUNT OF FAT and flip the strips. Coat with sugar once again and return to oven for 20 more minutes.

Then, perfection:

Make sure you take them off the foil instantly to set them on something else for cooling because they will harden very fast and become stuck to your pan otherwise.

Oh yeah. Now that's the stuff right there.

Hmmmm dear lord, yes.....

Maybe I'll just... go... in my room...

...

That was a.. refreshing... NAP... yes.... moving on...

Btw check out my manly jersey tan lines.....

Alright cut the bacon up into smaller strips to use as cake decoration later.

Now while the cakes are still cooking, time to prepare the frosting. This isn't some nancy-ass mashed potatoes frosting, this is LIVER PASTE. Just fat, spices and the worst possible pieces of giblets and guts mashed into a gelatinous paste! Hmmm!

Ok you might want to NOT do this... depending on what consistence your paste has. Mine was very hard and had gelatin on top, so I put them all in a big saucepan so they'd melt together.

See? Then put that in the fridge for a few hours so it becomes a more solid spreadable paste again.

Alright once all your cakes are cooked and have a nice layer of BBQ sauce in the middle, it's time to assemble the cake!

Cut your cheese into 3 ( or however many layers you want to cheese up).

Stack it up on the first cake, then put in the oven until it's melted. This is cheap mozzarella so it's melting point is about the same as tungsten.

Once it's decently melted, put another cake layer on top of it so it sticks in the cheese.

And keep building.

And building...

Oh God... even I was starting to think this was a little much....

THAT'S A LIE!

Then shape the cake by trimming the rough edges with a big knife.

Eat said trimmings! Hmmmm good sign, this is tasty.

Now get your frosting out of the fridge and FROST THIS THING. It's harder than it looks.

Almost done now... just decorate with all your leftover bacon and merguez. How very pink..

Done....

This thing weighs like 20 pounds... If Ash had one of those in his car when he went back to the middle ages, the wiseman would probably have tried turning it to lead.