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10 Movies With Cool People That Sucked Ass.

by:Pox

2009/02/18

Boy does it suck ass when an actor you like gets a feature role in a movie that is beyond lame.

THE ACTOR: Rayne Wilson ( The Office )

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: A kickass movie with nonstop 80's rock references and Rayne Wilson acting like a psycho badass like Dwight Schrute.

WHAT I GOT: A feel-good Hannah Montana teenage lamefest. The movie starts off awesome with Rayne Wilson going berserk and running after a speeding van, Terminator 2 style, but turns into a movie about a washed-up loser with some kind of fake depth added to him who mentors a bunch of stupid teenagers and propels them to mega-stardom WHILE FINDING TRUE LOVE ON THE WAY OF COURSE AAAAAA DIE. The worst part of the movie is how the fat kid hooks up with a hot chick who's way out of his league. Hell no.

THE ACTOR: Bruce Campbell ( Evil Dead )

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: I have no idea but it was Bruce Campbell, so come on.

WHAT I GOT: A low-budget no-story piece of crap featuring two geriatrics bumping into some kind of mummy. Whatever. This movie was long, boring and a total let-down. It's not even one of those times where you sort of see the artistic vision behind a project but figure the execs watered it down....no, it's really a case of failing hard. Only 3-4 years after his last appearance as a charismatic thief on Xena ( best show ever ) it seemed like Bruce had aged 1 year for every new chin he gained. At least he's good in Burn Notice.

THE ACTOR: Mike Myers ( Austin Powers )

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: Another Austin Powers.

WHAT I GOT: One of the stupidest movies ever made, with one of the best casts assembled. Half the correspondents of the Daily Show were in that movie, plus a mini-me AND Jessica Alba, yet it was ruined solid by Myers doing stupid accents the whole time. If you haven't seen it, it's like watching an entire movie starring only Goldmember from Austin Powers 3. I gave it the benefit of the doubt regardless of how stupid the trailers made it look because I remember thinking the exact same thing about Austin Powers. DAMN YOU MIKE, WHY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART???? :,(

THE ACTOR: Jerry Seinfeld

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: I have no idea.

WHAT I GOT: This one is kind of unfair on my part. We all know it was a kid's movie. But it was Seinfeld. Every time his character spoke, I had a flash of Jerry's face doing a weird whiny grimace. I kept expecting George to show up and lie to everyone. To sum it up, it's like going to a restaurent, really wanting steak, but ordering a salad. You know what you're getting. You know you can't blame the staff. But damn you wanted that steak. I'M SORRY MAN, YOU MADE SEINFELD, THAT'S LIFE.

THE ACTOR: Steve Carell

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: Some kind of comedy.

WHAT I GOT: This movie is basically The 40-Year-Old Virgin without any of the jokes. It's a total chick flick about a guy who falls in love with a woman who turns out to be his brother's new girlfriend. Boo hoo, spare me. It's not that anyone did a bad job on this movie, it's just that I have testicles.

THE ACTOR: Trey Parker ( South Park)

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: Crude immature humor that's actually funny.

WHAT I GOT: Boy is this movie horrible. I imagine this is what happens when people in suits get to edit a movie script. But regardless, 1997 Trey Parker is a terrible actor. It's that kind of movie where every joke is presented as such : "Ok watch out, here comes a joke. *instert dildo joke* Ok that was the joke, now back to the movie". But hey, it was 1997 and the edgiest humor that was allowed on the silver screen back then was American Pie and Ace Ventura 2.

THE ACTOR: Bill Murray ( Groundhog Day, Ghostbusters)

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: Some kind of high-budget comedy? I dunno.

WHAT I GOT: This movie was so forgettable that I actually don't remember anything about it. I certainly don't remember laughing a lot. Wait now that I think about it, I never thought Bill Murray was cool. Why is this even on my list? Oh right I'm running out of ideas because I don't watch a lot of movies. I actually have a life. Of playing Guitar Hero 3.

THE ACTOR: Jack Black ( Tenacious D, Cameos in like 50 movies)

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: A piece of crap with some funny moments.

WHAT I GOT: A piece of crap with no funny moments.I don't think I set the bar really high going into a Jack Black movie. But still, this somehow managed to disappoint me SOLIDLY. This thing is excruciating to watch... argh... I don't know what it is about Jack Black that makes me want to see him on screen a lot more... Maybe it's his goofy little munchkin face. I guess this movie has taught us that Jack Black is like salt: you always want a little, but too much will form mineral concretions in your kidneys that will come out of your urethra feeling like an army of hungry red ants.

THE ACTOR: Samuel L. Jackson ( Every movie ever made)

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: An action movie so bad and ridiculous that it would be legendary.

WHAT I GOT: Yeah I actually thought it wouldn't be lame. Why even TRY to be serious? The entire time Jackson was promoting that movie, he was laughing his ass off. But then I rented it and it actually had some tired cliche intrigue and NOT ENOUGH SNAKES. The trailers of this movie are a lot better than the movie itself. Shit, even looking at that kickass poster for 1 hour is more entertaining. Look at that, it feels like I'm starring at the tramp stamp of a lesbian biker. Awesome.

THE ACTOR: Owen Wilson ( No one cares )
Vince Vaughn ( DodgeBall)
Christopher Walken ( My Nightmares)

WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING: Some kind of Dodgeball / Anchorman hybrid

WHAT I GOT: American Pie 3. Nuff said.

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