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People I've Failed to Kill in 2010

by:Pox

2010/12/31

Well there we go, another wasted year where nothing great happened. We all got one year closer to dying, no city has adopted the air tube system from Futurama and websites are starting to use those gay-ass slideshows more and more to get some ad money. Hey, here's a fun thought: If you made a tv show where I have to flip to a different channel every 20 seconds to follow the story, here's how long I'd spend caring: -10 seconds. And by making us reload your stupid page, you're using up more energy and precipitating the heat death of the universe. THANKS A LOT YOU ASSHOLES, HOPE THAT FRACTION OF A PENNY WAS WORTH IT.

Anyway, the earth's population is poised to reach 7 billion in 2011 and this just reminds me of how many people failed to die in a freak parachuting accident this year. Here's a list of those I would have choked to death myself if I wasn't so busy making a giant scrapbook of all my regrets and failures. DAMN IT, THAT SCRAPBOOK IS ONE THING I WON'T FAIL AT YOU'LL JUST SEE!

ABE VIGODA

Might as well start the list with the more obvious one.

He's really only 89 years old, but celebrity years are like dog years. If you make the proper adjustments, he's about as old as the dad of the guy who got the idea to build Stonehenge. I really only want him to die soon so no one has to go through that embarrassing moment where he's at a party and explodes in a cloud of dust after bumping into a chair a little too hard. The man was in a Conan O'Brian sketch, let him keep his dignity for God's sake.

How I would have killed him: I would have frozen his friend in Carbonite and when he'd come to my palace pleading for his release, I'd flip the switch to the Rancor pit and rejoice as me and my entourage of horrible misfits watch him fight for his life, in vain.

LADY GAGA

The textbook definition of attention-whoring. The fact that she was all over the internet and TV this year tells you something about the media you're watching: it's being created by a bunch of fucking idiots. I know it's hypocritical to cry about how much attention she's getting while writing about it BUT COME ON WHEN WILL WE LEARN? Consider this a challenge to not talk about Lady Gaga at all for one entire year no matter how much the media tries to fill the airwaves by reporting on her. Let's all try and ignore this bullshit so it will go away. ROLL YOUR EYES WITH ME AAAAAAAA

Image is overrated anyway. Look at music artists from the 60s and 70s. Every last of them was ugly.

How I would have killed her: I would have kidnapped her, stripped her down to nothing and put her in a white room with nothing but a camera and a dress made entirely out of knives and landmines. Not being able to resist the urge to wear something stupid for attention, she would have exploded herself. Of course the camera wouldn't be real but she wouldn't need to know that.

THE SITUATION

Who is that idiot? What the hell is Jersey Shore? Why is everyone talking about him? WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS WORLD? WHAT THE HELL IS PLAYING ON TELEVISION THESE DAYS?

How I would have killed him: I think the only way to kill him is to say his real name backwards to his face, but everyone's forgotten what that is by now. So I'd just try a shotgun blast to the face.

SHIA LABEOUF

If you're going to have a confusing and unpronounceable name, you better be Arnold Schwar. Schwarzenni.zine... whatever. This little bastard was everywhere this year and the fact that he was in the last Indiana Jones movie and in Transformers is a dark omen for the future. We should end this right now. You know how people always say they'd go back and kill Hitler if they had a time machine? WELL HERE'S YOUR CHANCE! ACT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Before they make a Star Wars prequel where he plays Han Solo! Before he's Lion-O in the Thundercats movie...ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT THIS.

How I would have killed him: I would have divided him by zero. 20 TIMES!

KIM JONG IL

I think that goes without saying. Die already, you crazy bastard.

How I would have killed him: I would have told him it's not butter.

SARAH PALIN

I think there should be more punishments for people who use politics to make a ton of money, especially in such an aggressively stupid manner as by doing book tours and reality tv shows. It used to be that you'd have to do a bunch of shady backdoor deals and manipulations to make your millions on the back of Americans, but now you can just be a total clown and write about it. If you want to match Palin's political achievements, all you have to do is burst into a senate meeting and start break-dancing for as long as possible and that should put you on your way in the media world. Maybe Fox News will even give you a job if you're not too black.

How I would have killed her: I would have aborted her.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

He's the co-creator of The Office in the UK and generally a total dick. I've yet to see him not acting like an ass on tv or the radio. His life must be miserable given how much of a salty bastard he is! So as an act of charity, we should just end him.

How I would have killed him: I thought he'd just kill himself to be honest. I hadn't planned anything, but he's 6 foot 7 so it's only a matter of time before he gets decapitated by a ceiling fan or raped by a Giraffe.

JAR-JAR BINKS

YOU RUINED THE ENTIRE DECADE. If I ever find out who's idea you were... grrrrr

How I would have killed him: What's the slowest and most painful way to die? Hmm I guess I could make him work at the Post Office for the rest of his life...

GLENN BECK

2010 has been a record year for this conservative sock puppet. I could go on and on but I think it's kind of mean to make fun of mentally challenged individuals, especially when they've done so well for themselves. I think it's time we just gently put him to sleep. If you're going to pull the plug on Terry Schiavo, why are you letting this talking fruitcake suck up ressources when there's nothing more we can do to him? LET HIM GO, HE'S NO LONGER HUMAN, JUST A PILE OF SPASTIC FLESH DEVOID OF ALL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

How I would have killed him: I would have dressed as Donald Duck and broken into his room at night to command him to mix a can of Ajax with his next doze of Four Lokko. Unable to resist the demands of yet another merry delusion assaulting his brain, he would have guzzled down the liquid and puked blood until he died while hugging one of his many golden toilets he no doubt has installed in his mansion.

Rob Schneider

Did you really think we forgot about you? Just because you aren't relevant anymore doesn't mean you get a free pass. And while I'm at it, I have to say I'm not too pleased about Brendan Fraser and John Leguizamo still kicking around, but one demon at a time... *sigh*...one demon at a time...

How I would have killed him: I'd tie a 5$ bill to a fishing pole and make him follow it into a lava pit.

Tracy Morgan

Maybe you're just watching him in 30Rock and think that's uncalled for, but please watch a few of the interviews he's given:
Is he drunk?
What...arrr
Retarded??
Tracy Morgan IS TRACY JORDAN FROM 30ROCK. He's the same guy. You can't suffer that kind of person to live.

How I would have killed him: I'd have gone to his house, placed a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep, rang the bell and then run away. Then he'd die after trying to put out the bag by eating it.

======================

Well ok that's it for now. There's obviously way more who need to die but their turn can wait... And I want to give my best wishes to Christopher Hitchens who is currently battling a nasty cancer. We need people like him around to pick fights on tv and yell at idiots.

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