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CELEBRATING ST-PATRICK'S WITH DIABETES

by:Pox

2013/03/17

Apparently it's St-Patrick's day today. I'm not generally a superstitious man but I dare not incur the wrath of the lepprechauns by not doing something green and stupid today.

Now I've found this gluten-free vegan dessert recipe that even a normal person can make! I promise it's not that healthy. In fact "healthy" foods are often... not.. that healthy... Yeah peanut butter doesn't have gluten in it but you could run a jet on the calories that one cup of ALL NATURAL ONLY PEANUTS OMG butter yields.

ANYWAY.

Let's DO THIS. I'm not telling you what it is before the end, because St-Patrick's is about suspense and mystery. That is what I choose to understand about it.

These are roughly the ingredients you need, it doesn't have to be too precise.

Chop the dates in half because even though they say they're "pitted"....

They have hidden some special prizes in a few dates...

Blender the shit out of those dates. Warning: You need a strong food processor to do this. Really strong.

Get some baking sheets out and line them with wax paper.

You should get your hands wet for this next step because date paste has been used in the middle east for centuries before the invention of reactive bonding.

Roll the crushed dates into little balls and mash them on the wax paper. You probably want to make them much smaller than I did.

Once you're done, glue some pecan halves on there. ARTISTICALLY.

Melt the dark chocolate in the microwave on LOW. Stir every minute. DON'T YOU DARE OVERHEAT THIS SHIT because it will burn and become lumpy. TRUST ME I KNOW.... : (

Glue the pecans in place with just a little chocolate drizzle.

Then put them in the fridge until the chocolate hardens.

Once that's done, melt the rest of the chocolate in a saucepan.

Add half your chocolate chips. Why not.

Coat the other sides of your little turtles. Yeah this... this isn't.. working out so well.

Melt the remaining white chocolate chips in the microwave and add some food coloring. Apparently this turns it into a solid lump. FUCK YOU CHOCOLATE.

Cut up the green chocolate into little bits and slam them on top of your turdtles. Yeah wow that's.. so.. exactly like the finest restaurants on earth would make for you.

Fuck it, all ends up the same way.

This is a delicious recipe THAT WILL MAKE YOU SO DAMN FAT. Also give you diabetes. Basically the point of this recipe is to show everyone that it's possible to make a vegan gluten-free dessert that is absolutely horrible for your health provided you eat more than an ounce of it per week. WHICH YOU WILL DO. Because this shit is tasty.

HAPPY ST-PATRICK'S I guess.

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