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10 useless jobs

by:Pox

2008/07/16

1. Interior Decorator

I'm not talking about those swindling Feng Shui turdfaces. They're crooks and being a con artist is a pretty smart job if you ask me.
No, interior decorators don't lie about what they're going to do. They will visit your house for a couple hours and help you decide what you want your house to look like.

Now the question: why the fuck would you want to pay someone to decide FOR YOU what your house should look like? You finally got your own place to do whatever you want and you pay someone top dollar to come and do something creative and fun instead of you? Are you nuts? It's YOUR HOUSE, YOU decorate it. Are you afraid that your house will look stupid if you do it? Why? Are you SO stupid that you can't decorate your house in a way that YOU at least don't think looks stupid?
If your guests think you have shitty taste, then tell them to fuck off. What kind of ass would go to another person's place and start commenting on how ugly it is anyways? It's not food. Bad food, they have the right to complain about. Or a dirty smelly house. But your decorating? They can shut up.

2. Greeter

Really? Are you serious? A greeter is basically a paid hobo. Ever seen those guys who open doors for you in the subway? Ever give them money? Or eye contact? Nnnot me.
I know Wal-Mart employs a lot of seniors who wouldn't have jobs otherwise, but why don't you just give money to some old folk's home instead? Why do you have to force them to go all the way to the store, dress in a uniform and stand around all day pestering costumers? If you absolutely want to give them money but don't feel it's right to pay for nothing, then hire them to dig holes in the yard in the morning and fill them back up in the afternoon. Just get them out of my way, I need to buy 40 socks for 5 dollars, AND FAST.

3. Ticket Ripper-Upper

You know those people at the movies who's only job is to take your ticket and rip a little piece off? What the fuck? Ever heard of turnstiles? That's how they do it in the subway. Print a ticket and have people slide it in the slot on the turnstile to get into the whole area with the doors and the popcorn.
And how repetitive must that job be? Greet person, look at ticket, rip it, tell person what room the movie is in, move on. Any job you can master in 30 seconds doesn't sound like it's worth doing to me.

And on a related note: can't they just print the frickin' door/room numbers bigger on these damn tickets? That's the only information I really give a shit about when I go see the movie and it's usually just tucked away in the fine print.

4. Ice Cream Tester

Seriously. Anyone would be HAPPY to do that job for FREE. But they actually have these people sit around tasting new flavors and writing down comments. Are you shitting me? That means every time you buy ice cream, a tiny fraction of your money goes to someone who does that for a living. NOOOOOOOOOOO!
And I'm not kidding, that job is real: CHECK IT OUT!

'There are many universities that offer a dairy or food science degree that would provide a path toward becoming an ice-cream taster,' advised John Harrison, Dreyer's official ice-cream taster'.

Are you kidding me? I think the first test in that program is that they fail you if you're in it.

What a dumb job.I could do that job by phone.

Ice Cream Scientist: 'Ok so this is banana and pecans with vanilla!'
Me: 'It's good.'
Ice Cream Scientist: 'Now we have peanut butter and steak.'
Me: 'Replace the steak with crunchy delicious cashews!'
Ice Cream Scientist: 'You've done it again! Your check for one million dollars will be coming in the mail later this week!'

5. Chinese Buffet Waiter

I hate them. All they do is basically get your drinks and refill your water. Are you kidding me? McDonald's will sell me a gallon of Pepsi for a dollar and I need a whole new person at this buffet just to fetch me a 3 dollar soft drink? Why can't they just put fountains and be done with that bullshit? Why is it so expensive? You're telling me they're losing money on the drinks here? That somehow Mountain Dew will put them in the hole put letting any fatass gobble 10 pounds of seafood and fancy food is A-ok?
And for alcoholic drinks: bar. One barman can replace all the waiters in the restaurant.
Oh and they take your dirty plate too. Wow, thanks a lot, I'm too stupid to take my plate back to the buffet area. It would take 3 guys to run that floor. 1 guy at the entrance to get me a table, 1 guy who picks up the plates some assholes leave when they're done, and 1 guy at the bar.

	6. Human Advertisement
Any job that involves a guy wearing a costume or holding a sign and standing in front of the very shop he advertises for is pretty sad. He could be replaced with an aluminum pole and a little pile of coupons/ flyers.

7. Telemarketer

Have you even been tempted to buy anything that someone was trying to sell you by phone? It's basically like those late-night infomercials but without the enticing acted-out video part about all the amazing shit it can do. All you get is the part that tells you where to send your credit card number.
I don't understand why companies even hire these people. What gives? Who's buying these diet pills and Aspen timeshares? Just replace them with a website or an add like every decent honest company does, you assholes.

8. Birthday Party Clown

I'm sorry, there's no call for this. Clowns are out. They went out of fashion the second video games were invented. What kid wants to have a balloon-bending visual abortion when they could watch magic tricks or play Rock Band? Anything is better than a clown for a kid's party; animals, inflatable castle, slip-n'-slide, super-soakers, board games, pool, yarn� How much does it cost to hire a clown anyways? 100 bucks? Give any 8-year-old kid 100 bucks on his birthday and he'll flip the fuck out. Give them the choice between all the clowns on the planet and 100$ and you can bet your ass he'll be smarter than you with that money.
And I'm not talking about circus clowns here. Some of them have ok acts. They're real professionals who do some really awesome and dangerous shit sometimes. I can excuse the horrible costume.

9. Food Appreciation Feedback Line Answerer

Did you ever read the fine print on a lot of products? Mostly goes on food. They say 'have any comments or questions? Then call us and let us know!'. Who the HELL is going to call there?
'Hi!. Your peanut butter was great. Thanks!'
I bought it, that's enough. Don't set up a line in the hopes that I will call to tell you I liked it. And what questions could you possibly have about food? The ingredients are there, isn't that enough? If you're one of those annoying people who's allergic to everything, then don't try things you're unsure about. Or go to their website. Seriously, this might have been useful sometimes in the 50s, but there's no call for it anymore.

	10. Bard
Bard is the worst job in games. No one wants to be a bard. Fuck bards.

Anyways, think we have it bad? Check those morons in Japan: http://www.quirkyjapan.or.tv/useless.htm

What a lame place.

Shit I left out:

- Art jobs. There's thousands of job in that industry, from actor to singer to painter etc. Ok, we know it's not the most useful stuff ever but a lot of them make really awesome things that everyone loves. Sure there's some really useless untalented occupations in there but it seems unfair to single them out just because they don't make as much cash.

- Con jobs. Acupuncture, homeopathy, horoscopes, Tantric sex, ghost hunters, paranormal investigators, crystal healers, magnet therapies and so on and so forth. All useless, all a scam, doesn't even count as a real job if you ask me, more like crime.

- Research jobs. Yeah there's tons of people who get money to do the most useless and insane studies, but again we can't single them out just because they never luck out and discover something useful.

- Jobs done by lazy assholes. Sure you might know some guy who does literally nothing at work, but that doesn't mean the job itself is useless, he's just a jerk.

- Management/ paper-pushing/ quality control etc. All those types of job that basically involve one guy pep-talking people and telling them how they should do their job even if they don't know dick-all. Sure most of the time they're useless, but they still serve a role in some cases so it's not really fair to rule them all out. Plus it's been done to death. Watch Office Space. Or.. The Office.

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