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SOME WEIRD FOOD I'M MAKING MYSELF EAT.

by:Pox

2013/07/29

So in the course of doing the THE FOOD LIST CHALLENGE this year, I'm having to eat a bunch of pretty weird things which I will showcase here right now because I GOTTA MILK THIS SHIT YO.

1. ABALONE

It's something that won't kill you when you put it in your mouth so that's more than enough for Asians to consider this mollusk a delicacy. It's rare due to overfishing and so it's quite expensive in restaurants but hey isn't all seafood?

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We got this at a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco. The little white shards are slices of Abalone.

In my mouth. PROOF. PROOF OF ABALONE EATING.

TASTE: Bland. Pointless.
SMELL: It'll smell like salt, genitals and whatever you put on it.
TEXTURE: Spongy. You know that texture Asians like but us Westerners describe as "cartilage and gristle"?
VALUE: You should buy literally any other thing that comes from the ocean that costs less money per pound unless it's labeled as "Fun Time Cocktail of Sea Yum!".

2. BLACK TRUFFLES

Yep, it's one of those idiotically expensive mushrooms that rich people sprinkle over their pasta as a big "GO FUCK YOURSELVES" to poor people everywhere. As you may know, these can't be cultivated and as a result some poor guy has to go into the woods with a dog who can smell the damn things for them.

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Here is my truffle, just chilling. That little lump of crap cost 55$ lol.

Here it is shaved over moussaka. You can put that over anything you want to give it that delicious musty Turkish armpit smell.

Proof that I know what I'm talking about because I put it in my mouth.

TASTE: Raw mushrooms.
SMELL: Smells like unwashed shiitake mushrooms. Moldy. People call this "earthy" but when's the last time you felt like putting a clump of dirt in your mouth?
TEXTURE: Hard sponge.
VALUE: If you buy this more than once you have problems.

3. BIRD'S NEST SOUP

Hailing from our meek Asian friends is yet another luxury food item for the brain damaged. As you first hear about this you immediately think "That can't be what it sounds like". SADLY yes. People have to risk their lives to climb up rocky crags to swipe these nests from under poor unsuspecting birds. What are the nests made of? Spit. Delicious tasteless, odorless bird spit. Why the hell would anyone be stupid enough to do this? Because it cures every disease ever, like most disgusting treats Asians eat. Of course this method of harvesting makes these nests QUITE EXPENSIVE. $1750 USD per kilo (2.2 pounds)? How about FUCK NO.

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That's the packaging. I bought this online, soup already made! 100% natural.

`

Here go read some bullshit on the back of the package. This is all bullshit except the part where birds spit in my soup.

Look at this. Just clear salty water with little gelatinous clumps floating around in it.

Yeah.Yeah...

TASTE: Like spit. Salty spit.
SMELL: Did you ever garggle with warm salt water because your throat hurt? THAT.
TEXTURE: Slimy soup with chunks of snot.
VALUE: Horrible. Very expensive. TOO EXPENSIVE.

4. ALLIGATOR

While fairly common in the USA, it is hard to come by here in Canada mostly because it's cold all the fucking time and all our reptiles keep freezing to death. I know what everyone's thinking: "It just tastes like chicken, right?." Amazingly, it doesn't!

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You might remember this from my SF trip this year. It was easy enough to find.

Note that it does NOT look like chicken! Amazing. Looks like pork.

We just fried that shit.

Yah it was ok.

TASTE: Like fishy pork.
SMELL: Like fishy pork...
TEXTURE: Overcooked fishy pork.
VALUE: Just buy some pork like a normal person. Alligators are wild animals that no one bothered to selectively breed for its baconing quality. Have you ever seen a wild carrot? It's just a tiny dirty orange string that smells like carrots. That little root is to modern carrots what Alligator meat is to chicken wings and ham.

5. Absinthe

One of the most famous old timey liquors! Everyone's heard about the insanity that it brought upon whoever would dare drink it because it contained WORMWOOD, a special DEVIL ROOT that fucked with your mind and slowly poisonned you to death. As it turns out that was all bullshit and the only thing special about this drink is that it's like 60% alcohol and the people who drank it where generally already half-insane alcoholic losers. This eventually prompted authorities in many countries to ban absinthe, which is sort of like banning underpants because serial killers wear them almost half the time.
Anyway, absinthe nowadays is legal and perfectly safe to drink, albeit disgusting.
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Hmmmm!

TASTE: Mouthwash, burning.
SMELL: Scope.
TEXTURE: Liquid...?
VALUE: You know if you like the taste of this spirit and make cocktails, it's really not such a bad thing to buy. It's not insanely expensive or anything and a lot of craft can go into making it. So yeah I won't judge you if you buy this, I just won't drink it straight from the bottle. YEP.

Jesus this is getting long! I've only done 5! I guess I will cut this into multiple ones since I have a bunch more to do and no one wants to read a giant wall of text now do they? Join me in future adventures as I describe more pointless foods such as durian, dandelion wine, zucchini flowers and haggis!

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