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FROM EELS TO GOATS!

by:Pox

2013/12/09

So in the course of doing the THE FOOD LIST CHALLENGE this year, I'm having to eat a bunch of pretty weird things. I've already talked about some of them:

1. EEL

In their never-ending quest to empty all oceans of multi-cellular lifeforms, the humans of old had taken to eating these slimy serpent fish. It seems quite disgusting to most people but in the end, it's just a regular ole fish that our lord and savior, Allah, has seen fit to mash into a snake mold.

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Locally, it is available in sushi form! The flesh is mushy and drenched in BBQ sauce.

It is definitely not the highest quality eel available, in fact I have no way of knowing this isn't just some mushed shrimp heads McRibbed into a sushi shape. Luckily more reputable vendors have sliced these poor animals into tiny pieces and smoked them to delicious perfection:

Smoked eel!

Much better. Now I believe this is some kind of whole fish that was once living under the control of a single brain stem.

TASTE: Fatty, smoked.
SMELL: Smoked salmon, with less fat content.
TEXTURE: Extremely brittle and tender.
VALUE: Smoked, it's obviously expensive, like all artisanal products. There's no special reason why you should buy eel over any other fish. It seems to have small amounts of flesh and thus is most suited to satiating the hunger of dying cavemen and not fine dining.

2. FRIED CATFISH

American's favourite bottom-feeder, available in Canada mostly thanks to our excentric Asian pals who will eat any food as long as the mucus spirits have bestowed it with magical hair-regrowing powers. Look at this fine fellow that I was smart enough to buy whole instead of frozen. Let's just say Asians over here believe that freezing food preserves it perfectly for all time and you're likely to eat things older than yourself if you start digging in their freezers.

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I've spared you the details of preparing this damn thing with a dull kitchen knife. Good thing I have nothing better to do. After a short trip in batter and then frying oil, it yields this wondrous dish:

Like all breaded fried things, it is breaded and fried. Notice the fancy sauce, which looks like ketchup, but is actually ketchup and some fish crumbs.

Wow, how pointless.

TASTE: Fish n' Chips. Pretty much any white fish tastes the same.
SMELL: Fried.
TEXTURE: Fish n' Chips and whatnot.
VALUE: It was fairly cheap but that's because I bought it whole at an Asian market. Don't waste a penny extra on this, not that it's expensive anywhere I'd imagine.

3. FRITO PIE

This is basically nachos but with Frito brand chips. I had no idea Fritos existed before doing this list but apparently they're widely available in Canada... I ate that entire platter. This is so damn good, great fatass food and better than regular nachos made with plain ole corn chips.

TASTE: I made DAMN GOOD NACHOS and Fritos make them BETTER.
SMELL: Smells like a human about to gain 5 pounds.
TEXTURE: Fritos are easier to scoop and much tastier than corn chips. Probably way more calories though.
VALUE: You should try this at least once in your life!

4. FROG LEGS

You'll never guess why people had the idea to eat frogs! Yes, amazingly it's because they were really hungry. I guess this is not that weird a food. Why the hell is it always on weird food lists? Hasn't everyone gotten to say they taste like chicken yet? It's part of regular middle-class wannabe foodie life now.

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TASTE: Slightly fishy chicken.
SMELL: If you fry them enough it stops smelling like swamp!
TEXTURE: Chicken. YEAH FUCKING CHICKEN FANCY THAT!
VALUE: Considering chicken wings exist, frog legs are a massive waste of money, not to mention the rest of the frog probably ends up as chum or Fancy Feast.

5. Goat Milk

Finally I learn the reason why your local grocery only carries cow milk. Maybe it's something about human evolution that masks the natural taste of cow udder in our Lucky Charms or maybe it's all the goat shit goats eat, but this milk has a distinct digested plant matter taste. If you've ever had goat cheese, you've had goat's milk! Congratulations as well as condolences for wasting money on goat products.

TASTE: If you've ever drank 3.25% cow milk and noticed a funky taste, be prepared to surpass that experience if you ever come across goat milk.
SMELL: Like a goat pissed in my milk.
TEXTURE: Milk....
VALUE: Stay far away from this..

Five more things down. Sorry for the month of no updates, lone person reading this at 2 in the morning with your pants down.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

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