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SUPREME FOOD ACTION TIME 5: OCTOPUS AND POCKY!

by:Pox

2014/01/27

So in the course of doing the THE FOOD LIST CHALLENGE, I've had to eat a bunch of pretty weird things. I've already talked about some of them:

Be sure to let me know you're reading this, Robert Smith of Denver, Colorado.

I see you Robert. Put your pants on.

1. OCTOPUS

Ok now how the fuck could THIS be good, really? Slimy little sea creatures, more silly putty than animal? As with all seafood: It's all in how you cook it!

I've had it twice this year, once at a cheapo sushi restaurant and once at an upscale bistro. The difference was huge, like Cheeze Whiz and fine aged cheddar.

I will only rate the better dish, for am I a merciful taster of food. This dish was a nicely smoked and grilled octopus on a bed of some kind of green shit no one cares about because THERE WERE BITS OF THICK CUT BACON. Hmmm.

TASTE: Very faint fish taste, the smokiness was overpowering IN A GOOD WAY. If you've ever had good smoked fish, it tastes like that.
SMELL: Smoked fish.
TEXTURE: This was the softest most pleasing texture I've had for smoked seafood.
VALUE: I don't imagine it'd taste anything like at the restaurant if you bought some and prepared it yourself, unless you have a smoker. Otherwise I doubt it's worth the trouble. If you buy it, make sure you get it fresh and not frozen because that would be disgusting as shit.

2. OKRA

Okras are the seed pods of a flowering plant. They are somewhat widely available fresh or canned and have almost no calories. Great mouth stuffer for the fatass.

=========================

Me and my friends cooked up some fresh ones for a meal. I also sampled the canned variety. Okra are fairly tasteless and have the consistency of mushy string beans. No idea why you'd eat this.

TASTE: Bland, watery.
SMELL: Nothing really.
TEXTURE: Mush
VALUE: They're cheap so... could buy this if you want.

3. OX TAIL SOUP

Again, hunger makes people eat weird things. It probably wasn't long until humans noticed that cattle tail had some meagre amount of meat to them. I cannot be blamed for the taste of this ingredient because I made this recipe myself BY THE BOOKS.

It's fairly long to prepare the tail because in the end it's not a choice cut of meat. I imagine the point of making this into a soup is to get the marrow to dissolve into the broth. It sort of works. Anyway, you could have far better beef soup by using almost any other part of the animal, although whatever tiny bits of beef you do get to wrestle from the bone are very tender and delicious. There's just not enough, one entire tail yields like a quarter pound of meat.

Num.

TASTE: Vegetable soup with small beef chunks.
SMELL: Smells... brothy.
TEXTURE: Here's the flaw of oxtail. The bones are sharp and the meat is full of gristle and cartilage. Yuk.
VALUE: Not even that cheap, just buy any other cut of the actual meaty parts of the beef. We're not starving 12th century Chinese farmers here.

4. PAELLA

Paella is a fairly simple dish composed primarily of rice and whatever the fuck it was you caught in your nets that morning.

Well that's a disgusting picture.

The taste of a Paella probably varies a whole lot based on the rice, the spices, the seafood and the skill of the chef. If you like sea food, I don't see why you wouldn't like this dish.

TASTE: Mine was decent. Fish and rice. Simple.
SMELL: An ocean breeze in the summer, or, as most people call it, cooked fish.
TEXTURE: Chunky
VALUE: Decent thing to buy at a restaurant given the wide range of things available in it. It would be a pain to cook small portions and you probably want it fresh.

5. Phaal

So after a little research into what this was, it appears it's mostly a British curry invented as a bar bet. This is the old timey version of the ghost chili wings challenge. I'm not gonna lie, it burned the fuck out of my mouth. Not every Indian restaurant will make it because only an idiot would order it. It's a relatively bland curry ( mine was beef) with mostly mouth burning as its primary characteristic.

TASTE: IT TASTES LIKE BURNING
SMELL: You know when you can smell the burn of spicy food? Oh yeah.
TEXTURE: It was cooked ADEQUATELY.
VALUE: Just buy any other curry on the menu.

6. PAVLOVA

Australia's national dessert. It is a very strange crispy meringue topped with whipped cream and fruits. We made it ourselves because... who the fuck has this? No one that's who. It's very complicated and delicate to make but has a unique texture. It's got very little actual ingredients to it but it's huge because it's mostly whipped air. The cooking creates a nice crust on the meringue and tons of cracks which you hide with the cream and fruits.

Anyway it's good.

TASTE: Whipped cream, sugar, fruits.
SMELL: Mostly the fruits.
TEXTURE: Crackling meringue drenched in whipped cream. So yummy.
VALUE: I have no idea what this costs but if you ever see it as a restaurant, definitely try it at least once.

7. PHO

There's Pho restaurants everywhere in Montreal. It's one of the most overhyped foods of all time, prized by hipsters. Probably. What is pho? It's noodle soup. Nothing but stupid squishy noodle soup in broth. Big deal. You can add whatever it is you want in there. Intestines, buttholes, tails, beaks, feet. Ya know, asian food.

TASTE: Bland. Salty. It's a non-cream soup.
SMELL: Salt?
TEXTURE: Like someone put spaghetti in your chicken soup.
VALUE: It's fairly cheap, but why wouldn't it be? It's mostly water, salt and spaghetti.

8. PINEAPPLE AND COTTAGE CHEESE

When I saw this entry on the list I was...puzzled. I looked for recipes online thinking it was some kind of weird fancy dish but apparently it's a gross concoction pregnant women eat when their brain is hormone crazy.

It's really gross. Yeah.

TASTE: If you don't like cottage cheese, you're not going to like at least HALF of this. Thankfully pineapples are extremely overpowering.
SMELL: Pineapple, mostly.
TEXTURE: The most disgusting part of cottage cheese.
VALUE: Waste of a perfectly good pineapple.

9. POBOY

Po Boys are greasy southern sandwiches stuffed with fried fish products. This one is breaded shrimps!

As with burgers, there's an infinite range to be had with this sandwich. Mine was not too great but if you really take your time and craft it with the finest ingredients, it'll be awesome, because it's fried meat, bread and mayonaise.

TASTE: So much bread.
SMELL: Greasy fried goodness.
TEXTURE: Giant sandwich.
VALUE: Replacing the beef in a burger with seafood is probably a waste of money.

10. POCKY

Pocky is the delightful asian treat that otaku love to pretend they eat all the time. It's widely available here in Canada and it basically the Kit Kat of Japan. Par for the course as a candy bar. You can drum on people's head with them though so that's a plus.

TASTE: Cookie stick with some cheap milk chocolate.
SMELL: Cookie. Me eat.
TEXTURE: The stick is dry yet easy to eat. No one cares.
VALUE: Don't think you'll be very impressed with how this tastes.

Hang on guys, we're almost done with this! More coming soon.

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