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The Papanack Zoo

by:Pox

2013/10/04

So recently I was visiting my family in Gatineau, near our nation's capital of Ottawa and learned that we have a zoo nearby! Wow. And let me tell you, it's one hell of an amazing zoo:

Top attraction in Wendover BITCHES. Boom.

Most of the reviews are equally hilarious:

Honestly this was probably written by some hippy. The zoo wasn't that bad. Come on. I mean there was that one time one of the tigers escaped but no one died so really, at worst a 3-star review for this zoo! But take a look for yourself:

This is the entrance of the zoo. Also the cutest girl ever. She tried to run but I caught her.

A monkey. You get to see them without having to pay a dime! Wow what a sweet zoo, just giving away monkey views.

There. There is the monkey.

Mountain lions!

They look so bored. This zoo really represents nature accurately! Kudos.

It's feeding time for the wild african dogs. Apparently these animals are really dangerous bastards but thankfully ranchers have shot most of them. Phew.

I am so sorry for these terrible pictures... I think investing in bulletproof glass might be the minimal requirement for a decent zoo... I can't see anything.

Arctic wolves, the most delicious wolf.

Awe.

These roosters were the only free animals roaming about, pecking at each other, as roosters do. Fun fact: Chicken tastes like rooster!

Donkey!

Donkey butts! We couldn't feed the donkeys, they were apparently on a special diet of dried hay. Wow being a horse sucks.

Devil goat, standing in the field all alone, waiting for the apocalypse.

Go away evil devil goat.

As we were walking around the park, we noticed that it smelled a whole lot like goat cheese. The closer we got to their shit, the stronger the goat cheese smell. So yes if you like goat cheese, you would probably also enjoy a nice mouthful of goat turds.

A prairie dog. Not the most exciting animal to trap in a cage.

The mink is somewhere in there... Apparently.

Half zoo, half pet shop.

As with any good farm / petting zoo you can buy pellets of food to feed the animals! And they FUCKING LOVE whatever those pellets are made of, let me tell you.

This goat is having an orgasm in my hand right now.

Nature. This is a yak poo. Yaks are known for their profuse poo production.

This zebra was all alone contrary to most other animals. Judging by how hungry it was for disgusting food pellets, my guess is that he ate the other zebra.

I don't know who wrote the "Watch your fingers" sign but it's really disturbing. I know none of the animals can operate a computer or a printer so I have to think there's some humans roaming around this zoo eating people's tiny digits. But we didn't see them, just this lone zebra.

What I've learned at this zoo is that grass-eating animals would rather eat anything other than grass.

Don't remember what this is. Look at how devastated the grass is behind these animals. They spend all day cutting every blade of vegetation down to nothing.

I AM YOUR MASTER, ANTELOPE.

Fine you are a good antelope maybe I will show mercy.

Here eat some Al-Bran, keeps you regular like the yaks.

Some deer. Just regular ole deer like we hit with our trucks on a daily basis up here.

Wild boars. They say that these can weigh up to 800 breakfasts. Notice the little stray piglet who managed to get out of his enclosure thanks to the adults bending the bottom of the fence, creating a large hole.
The zookeeper apparently also have to fill-in the holes that the wolves dig at night almost every day otherwise they'd eventually get out. My guess is that the zoo owner is infinitely happy every day when he sees most of his animals haven't yet escaped.

Yaks are smaller than you'd think, also they seemed to be molting like snakes. Let me take this moment to say that I cannot imagine how bad yak cheese tastes.

Tigers are kind of huge and those fences looked really flimsy next to it...

Some monkey living the good life instead of being productive in a lab somewhere being experimented on.

Linxesses

Only the most luxurious facilities for the patrons of the Papanak zoo! If you pay 10$ extra they let you poop in the woods.

Black and white lemures in what looks like a giant cage that is one strong gust of wind away from containing a lot of dead exotic animals.

Feeding time again. They don't look like it but those guys can be really aggressive. They will bite your fingers off if you try and take their bananas.

Delicious human fingers hmmmm..

Lions? Really?

She likes chicken. And humans. Mostly annoying kids.

They had a male lion as well, he was a total dick. If you look at him while he eats, he gets angry. Animals are idiots.

I don't even remember what these are called. We should just eat them, they're not particularly interesting.

A swan that was roaming with a bunch of geese in an enclosure.

Look at them, enjoying relative freedom. Outrageous.

This is the baboon enclosure. They were my favourite animals.

Fun fact: Angry baboons will rip your face off if you're a woman and bite your junk if you're a man! COOL.

The zookeeper pissed him off on purpose by trying to grab for one of the babies. The baboon made angry faces at him for the rest of the feeding and kept a close eye on him. This video is about how that baboon is a piece of shit:

He wants to be fed. HA! Classic...

This is the best I could do with the bald eagles... sorry..

But in my defence, look at how far they were! Come on.

Donkeys and lamas, chiling.

Peacocks! Cool.

I hope your eyes burn from the intensity of their colors.

A baby lama! Awe. I call him Futureshirt.

Delicious elk.

More monkeys.

A happy bear. I assume he's happy. Well ok he's probably not that happy.

Wolves again, after they stopped just sitting there like big white piles of crap.

Feeding time for the tigers!

Fun fact: Sometimes when you hit a deer with your truck, it ends up in the belly of one of these tigers!

Look at the cute raccoons, all lined up to say goodbye! Awe.

Bye bye weird zoo! It was still a fun way to spend an afternoon. Who knew it was so easy to start your own zoo? Seems easier than growing a pumpkin patch!

But the best part of the day was clearly going to the liquor store and finding banana beer like I found in my Chicago trip! You should go read that.

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